Should I Cut Off Contact with Parents?

12/31/2020

Dear Dr. Gibson,

How do I know if it's best to cut off contact with emotionally Immature parents?

Dear Reader,

The question is: how do you know if it might be best to cut off contact with emotionally immature parents?

It’s best to cut contact with emotionally immature parents (EIPs) when you feel like you’ve had all you want to take. Not all you can take, but all you want to take. If you’ve been taught to question or be ashamed of your true feelings, it may be hard to know when you’ve had enough of somebody. Especially if that somebody thinks it’s your job to make them feel more secure and comfortable. But you do have the right to stop contact whenever you feel like you need a break. And it’s solely up to you when – if ever – you feel like attempting a connection again. (Check out the Bill of Rights at the end of Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents if you want help to get in a self-preserving mindset about this.)

You have the right to set a limit or disengage when someone is subtracting more energy than you want to give. Breaking off contact for a while (maybe much longer) is not a moral issue, and you can never be a bad person because you find someone too unpleasant, draining, or disturbing to be around. As an adult, you have the right to your preferences and your self-preservation. You are entitled to define your limits.

Some signs that a break might be needed are when:
1) the person is emotionally or physically harmful (rude, snide, argumentative, disdainful, disrespectful, defies your requests, critical, tells you what to do, hits your kids, etc.);
2) you have your own life challenges and the EIP is making your life harder, not easier;
3) you are going through a difficult life transition (new baby, divorce, moving, new job) and need to cocoon for a while;
4) you have a health issue and more stress will make you feel worse;
5) you are trying to understand yourself and need some private time to get perspective;
6) people you love (children, partners, friends) don’t want to be around the EIP and neither do you.

Sometimes, instead of a total cutoff, setting limits and asking for room are all that’s needed, But EIPs often make even small requests for space painfully guilt-inducing. They don’t seem to realize that giving up some of their control might make you want to be around them more. Ask for what you need and stick to your limits, but if they disregard your requests and you don’t like being around them, tell them you will be out of touch for a while because you need some time to yourself. You don’t have to explain. You just say what you need, what you’re going to do, and repeat as needed. Going forward, you decide when and if you want to resume contact, but you stay in charge of that. Always tune into yourself first and you will know when they’re dragging you down and you need to step away.

48 Comments

Laura

2/21/2021 04:33:06 pm

I live far from my parents geographically, and used to feel guilty if I didn't call as often as they wanted. I have figured out that there is less drama overall if I don't make any sort of announcement when I am taking a break from contact. If I say I need a break, it seems like they will reach out more to see 'how I'm doing', but if I just don't call/don't pick up for a while, I think it feels less like they are being judged? Whatever the reason, I've come to realize that I can take a break without making any sort of statement about it.

Fiona

3/30/2021 05:05:12 pm

Dr Lindsay - I have recently come across your books and have ordered two of them to help me get through the next couple of years. My issue is my mother: She is 88 will not let go of the past and blames my 90 year old dad for her misery. She thinks nothing of screaming - not yelling - screaming at him telling him how useless he is and how he abandoned her for his job (out of town). 18 months ago she summoned my younger sister and I over to advise us that she was going to divorce Dad. There is no way that she could financially do this so once again, she was being dramatic and using us as an audience to punish him. She truly believes she has the right to yell, scream, insult, and berate him for hours on end, in our presence. She has told us that. I am happily married to wonderful man and have three grown children and 2 grown step children along with three grandchildren. None of them are aware of what my mother is like and all believe grandma is sweet and a bit ditzy - because that is the persona she betrays when with them. She is defensive, passive-aggressive, selfish, cold, and at times, nasty. When I decided to take a two day break from her recently she called me 5 times in one hour and texted me that I was being selfish and unfair for not telling them why I was 'mad'. Trying to explain anything falls on deaf ears as my mother doesn't listen. If you act upset with her, she turns into a little girl asking ' why are you made at me? what have I done?'. If you try to explain, she will then act like she doesn't remember saying anything to you. I have now started recording conversations so that I can play them back to her. It's exhausting. I moved away so that I could deal with them once a year in person. Now I cannot get away from them. I cannot let my sister handle them all the time either as she suffers from anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. My mother knows this. I simply cannot listen to this any more.

Taylor

4/27/2021 04:05:45 pm

Dear Dr. Gibson,
To my chagrin, “the algorithm” insisted I read your book on emotionally immature parents. I couldn’t escape the suggestions, so I ordered it and devoured it in one sitting. The way you approach these concepts...it was as if you gave so many truths inside of me the perfect words to find freedom and peace. You have a deep understanding of the human psyche I have never encountered before. So simple and so profound. After reading this book, I soon decided it only made sense to read the rest of your work. I just finished Who You Were Meant to Be, with tears in my eyes.

I was diagnosed with autism last year at age 31, followed by my 7 year old daughter and 4 year old son. I have become the black sheep in my family for not holding their political and spiritual beliefs. Reading your work has allowed me to see that there is a deeper truth inside of me that has not been allowed to speak for decades, and I feel genuinely excited about falling in love with myself, without qualifications or excuses, for the first time in my life.

Your voice has been a guiding light for me through some of the hardest months of my life. I recently separated from my family (parents, sibling, grandparents) as they do not allow me to be who I want to be without tremendous judgment and angst. But, it is exactly as you said in your book. All of a sudden I realized, wow, is it really so easy to listen to what I really need? Is it really so simple to choose what my inner guide is speaking to me throughout the day?

So many problems that seemed very large have started to greatly diminish...things I haven’t intentionally focused on that are improving anyway. I’m spending more time doing things I love and opportunities find their way to me. I am speaking my mind more easily and finding grace and compassion for others who can’t join me on my journey to my new self.

So, filled with tears and a heart full of the deepest gratitude, I am here to say, thank you so very much. For your time, for your studies, for your humility, for your respect for the sanctity of life and individuality and inner peace. Thank you for working through writer’s block, for taking time off to put your knowledge into words, for dealing with the inevitable criticism that comes with putting your work into the world. You have changed my life, brought me healing, and inspired me to continue on a brighter and more compassionate path for myself, my children and my husband.

What you do matters. Thank you so very much.

Taylor

P.S. Just pre-ordered your next gem. Sending thanks and gratitude.

Seda Cantekin

7/7/2021 05:14:15 pm

Dear Dr. Gibson,
Just finished the book ACEIP in tears such an amazing book and easy to read. All these years I blamed myself that I am unhappy and unsatisfied. I struggled a lot. I had this continuous gap inside. Constant hunger for feedback and appreciation at work. I did not know actually this is normal. Unfortunately i became an emotionally immature adult too!!:(( and found a partner like myself because I wanted that negative environment. I am trying to improve though to not to pass it to my kids…it is very sad and hard

Dr Lindsay Gibson

7/9/2021 01:15:43 pm

It is sad and hard, Seda, but you've just done the hardest part, which is looking directly at the problem and resolving to change things for the better. We do have the choice to grow rather than to repeat old family dynamics. I'm sending you my heartfelt best wishes for making the changes you want. Your authenticity shines through -- I know you can do it.

Kate

12/3/2021 08:18:20 pm

Wonderful narrative Taylor. I can relate and so happy for you. Just discovered Dr Gibson today! xx

Madison

6/8/2021 11:53:23 pm

Dr. Gibson,

I came across your book on emotional immature parents. I need help, please. I do not won't to publicly announce what exactly is going on, but I hope that you could reach out to me via email to communicate more thoroughly.
I have tried counseling, I have seen a psychologists, talked to pyschologists professors, but that were only able to do so much. I pray that you see this and are able to reach out to me because I am struggling to find your office address and number to set an appointment to see you. I have never felt so assured about my whole life until I read your book. I know I am not the only one who has delt with such hurt and I pray one day that I can help others as well, but I know it starts with myself first to heal before being able to help another.
My whole life, both of my parents were and still are immature parents and adults since I am at the legal age of an adult. If you, please take the time to reach out and to hear my story, I promise you will not reget it. You would help my whole life be understandable and healed from this 22 years of hurt and pain. I do not won't to feel or live in this life style anymore as I am doing my hardest to find help and to exercise into being better mentally and physically. I want to rescue myself before it is too late. I am still young, 22 years old and have found out all of the truth and no one can hear me out when I speak the truth.

Dr. Lindsay Gibson

6/9/2021 10:56:48 am

Hi Madison, I am not able to accept any new clients due to my overly busy schedule. However, I recommend looking up therapists near you who do Emotion Focused Therapy or Emotion Focused Individual Psychotherapy (EFT/EFIT) or Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (aedp.org) or Internal Family Systems (ifs.org.) These are all compatible with my therapy style and should be very helpful for the issues you describe. Best of luck to you in your search for growth during this important stage of your life. Dr. Gibson

Madison Scales

6/12/2021 11:55:53 am

Dr. Gibson,

Thank you so much for the reply. This truly means a lot to me that you were able to read my comment and to reach out to me so quickly.
I am sure you could feel the frantic and scatter's as I wrote my comment. It has been a tough season, but I know it will all pass with God.

I hope one day I will be able to meet you and to thank you in person for your help and wise words.
Until that day, I will keep in touch with your blog, books, and podcasts!

You truly are a rockstar.

Sincerely,
Madison Scales

Ethan Schneider

6/10/2021 02:09:08 am

Hi Dr. Gibson,

I am attending your webinar in August and look forward to it. I have purchased both of your books on Audible. I have listened to them multiple times. Also, I have created a mind map for both books breaking down the features of an EIP. I would be happy to share this with you to hear your insights. I'm eager to help & learn more from you. The information from your books have been eye opening and validating to my situation growing up in an EI family system.

Thank you for all the work that you have done!

Ethan Schneider

Jen

6/26/2021 10:13:20 pm

Dr Gibson, I just want to thank you profusely for the understanding that your book has provided me. It’s like I can see myself and my parents clearly from the outside for the first time. It’s truly changed my life and I am so grateful. Thank you for helping me heal and grow. Best, Jen

Marine

7/4/2021 05:11:47 am

Hello Lindsay,
I just read your book "recovering from EIP" and I wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Your words were powerful, you helped me so much with your book that I really wanted to let you know how important your work has been to me.
I am sure it had the exact same effect on other people's journey and I am so grateful for that.

Thank you thank you thank you, your book is a game changer.

Sending you love from France

Dr LINDSAY GIBSON

7/4/2021 10:23:55 am

Merci, Marine!

Kay

9/13/2021 02:23:29 pm

Dear Dr Gibson,

I have read "Adult Children of
Emotionally Immature Parents" and I am currently reading its sequel to learn how to recover.

This first book was really life-changing to me, as you mentioned it yourself, emotional loneliness resulting from the lack of connection with parents in childhood is not easily identifiable for a person suffering from it, and I was instantly taken aback by the fact that someone for the first time, was actually able to put words on this whole feeling of void and loneliness that I felt born with.
I wont hide it, I cried a lot throughout the whole book, but it felt good... My whole life and mental health has been shaped by absolutely everything you described, I have recognized so many situations and people, and this was really a relief to finally understand that I was never the problem...

Now, my emotional immature adoptive single parent decided to stop talking to me (on her own accord, after a major breakdown and without any fight happening between us two) and I have decided, after reading your book to stop trying to "reconnect" (although we have never even connected to start with) so badly. I simply stopped calling her, since she won t take my calls at all anyway. I realize that I was mostly driven by the fear of her shaming me for not caring enough that I was trying so hard, not because I love her... I accept that she will never try to be happy and that she is fine with this, my job now is to try to be happy on my own, and not care wether she is fine with it or not. She clearly doesn t even care anyway.

So, for that and for helping me out understand myself and my family better, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Your work is essential and your are a life-saver for many...

I wish you the best!

"Kay".

9/16/2021 12:40:19 pm

Hi Kay,
Thank you for taking the time to write. I'm so glad this material has been helpful to you in dealing with a very difficult situation. Your insights are spot on, and I hope you keep maintaining your emotional freedom and emotional self-protection. All best wishes, Lindsay Gibson

Maria link

10/8/2021 11:58:26 pm

Dear Dr. Gibson,

Your book is helping me understand what I’ve been through all these years with my ex. I was married for 22 years to an EIP. We divorced recently and we share the custody of our three teenage children. They read your book and we all recognize ourselves in every page. As an adult, I could finally deal with my EI ex by putting an end to our relationship. But what choice do the children have? What would you recommend them to do? They don’t want to see their father. They only go see him because there is a court order. What can they do to handle their EI father’s pressures and demands? Do they have to just endure it since they are not adults yet? Thank you for your insight.

10/9/2021 10:16:13 am

Hello Maria, Thank you for writing. Yes, this is a difficult situation, especially for children who are bound by court order. However, I hope you can use ideas in my books -- especially Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents--for practical tips on how to get through time together with EI parents. Dealing with EIPs is something nearly all of us face because of its prevalence. Without triangling with the children against their father, try reminding them that the skills they develop now to get along with their father will serve them well in adult life. Sooner or later, most of us have to get along with difficult people, and they are getting early experience in being diplomatic, responding in ways that don't create more problems for themselves, and looking for opportunities to structure time together to make it more pleasant. The most important thing to remind them is to stay in touch with their own true thoughts and feelings, and their equal importance and worth, regardless of how they practically interact with their dad. Message: Dad may be difficult at times, but take the good that you find, and use the rest to guide you toward the kind of parent or mate you want to be in your own future. All best, Dr. Gibson

10/9/2021 03:11:18 pm

Dear Dr. Gibson,

Thank you for your reply and for your sound advice. It was the children's therapist who recommended me Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents. It is a very helpful book to (1) see clearer given the confusion an EIP leaves behind, and (2) find tools to deal with an EIP in an emotional healthier way. It's more of a challenge for teenage children to deal with an EIP than for adults, since they are still learning to interpret their emotions and also, they don't have the tools an adult has. I would be so happy if the children were having a good relationship with their father and a good time when they are living with him. It truly saddens my heart to see them leave sad, anxious, or frustrated every time they have to be with him. Thank you again for your words, they are helping us very much. Cordially, Maria

Ann

12/14/2022 01:55:36 pm

This is an incredibly timely response for me to read. It is helpful guidance. Your work has been very helpful to me.

Stephanie

11/5/2021 12:16:31 pm

Dr. Gibson,

I have been living for over 30 years, trying to make sense of my parents. I couldn't figure out why I had such feelings of loneliness and insecurities. I am now married with three children, one of which is severely autistic. I couldn't make sense why, after having children, my parents did not show more initiative to be part of their lives. And knowing that I have a special needs child and not wanting to offer any help just boggled my mind. If I hadn't come across your books, I would absolutely be still pondering and wondering with my husband what the deal is. Do they have a disability, like autism? No. They know right from wrong. They lack that emotional intelligence and self reflection. My father is the rejecting parent which makes it quite easy to cut ties. However, my mom is that passive parent, who does show love, especially with my children. Quite frankly, she's just like a child, which is why I had a difficult time in teenage and adult years being on the same level. She is completely dependent on my dad and also her sister for finances. My aunt tries to be involved to bring her to visit and pay for hotel expenses and food while my dad is obsessed with money and rarely allows her to spend money. While I'm really over dealing with the passive trait, my daughters do love her and not sure what to do next. Do you have more resources to relate to the passive parent?

lindsay gibson

11/5/2021 06:07:57 pm

Hello Stephanie, I am glad the books have helped shed some light on what has been a perplexing, confusing, and hurtful situation. I hope you will do whatever gives you the most peace, and to act on the basis of what your inner feelings tell you. You're main job is to stay in touch with yourself and be emotionally self-protective as you decide what to do. Your self-care is the most important thing as you decide what kind and how much--or little--of a relationship you want going forward. Best wishes, Dr. Gibson

Karen Rose Goria

11/15/2021 06:43:01 pm

Hi Dr. Gibson,

I have been trying to reconcile the seeming riddle of my father for 30 years now - for a while I have thought that he likely has high functioning autism (HFA) - given his lifelong obsession with his work/field, his inability to understand very basic elements of social expectations, empathy and emotions in general…but after reading about cognitive signs of emotional immaturity (talking at length about a topic of interest with out regard to the interest of the listener, impaired ability to empathize, egocentrism) I wonder if this is an alternative explanation or concurrent one. He hasn’t been diagnosed has having HFA but agrees he displays much of the diagnostic criteria.

My question is, how often do ASD and emotional immaturity confound each other in psychoanalysis? Or would you say that they can happen simultaneously and emotional immaturity can be an element of ASD? Or are they separate and distinct from one another? How can someone differentiate between the two?

Thank you!

Stephanie huber

11/15/2021 07:02:58 pm

This is a great question! I also wondered the same thing! My husband and I have tried to pinpoint the root cause of the behaviors of both my rejecting father and passive mother and it’s still a question as to whether they both could have high functioning ASD. I recently posted here (see above). My son is severely autistic and both parents lack this emotional component in being supportive human beings and very cheap with finances. We are still trying to learn how to navigate how/if we want to continue a relationship when they continually avoid conflict and want to “get over it” . Would love to know How to differentiate this as well!

Amy

12/1/2021 07:26:00 pm

My older sister and I were both neglected by our parents. We were 14 months apart, and raised in the 70's and 80's with parents consumed by their own lives and interests. They didn't abuse us, but we had several close calls with death due to their neglect. The other aspect of this for me was that my sister, who was older and much bigger, took out her anger on me. Her abuse was like they portray spousal abuse in movies, where she would hit me until I cried, and feel terrible afterwards and she would sometimes be very warm and almost parental in the aftermath of a bad beating. Any of my attempts to get my mom to intervene only backfired with her blaming me and saying "two wrongs don't make a right" or calling me a tattletale. For years I didn't defend myself because I thought that would mean I was a bad person and would be undeserving of any protection. I think I thought if I was completely good, my mom would finally see it wasn't my fault that my sister was abusing me, and then she would make it stop. That never happened. My sister's abuse was completely unchecked and ignored until she started to damage the house. My mother cared most about her house and appearances, so the knife scratched in my bedroom door and the holes from the hammer were a bridge too far for her. My sister was sent to therapy which seemed to have no impact for me. I was on my own to figure out how to survive in that house. I just tried to stay outside, or at friend's houses mostly. With my sister, I gave in early, cried easily, and was a total doormat. I had nothing that mattered to me in that house, because if you cared about something, she would know it and use it against you. I was an easy target for bullies at school as well, because I was small and quiet and they could probably just smell my fear. When I was 15, my mother's boyfriend who had lived with us for the previous 6 years, said to me: "you need to stand up to her, just slap her", it was the first time anyone had ever said something like that to me. And the next time, that's what I did. I'd like to say that it worked like magic, but it didn't. She was so much more willing to hurt me than I was willing to hurt her. I had such a twisted connection to her for my entire life. I was always feeling bad for her for and worrying about her even while I was afraid of her, that I just couldn't hurt her without feeling her pain. I didn't want to hurt her, I wanted her to be happy and to not need to hurt me anymore. She was so neglected and so criticized by our mom. I'd managed to do pretty well in school and had friends and just a love for the outdoors and camp... and my sister never found a way to stop trying to get her needs met by our neglecting parents. Even now, 30 years after we became adults, my sister is living with our mother and having the same fights. And I moved several states away and built my own loving family. I raised two boys and never let them treat each other badly. But even while I essentially ran away as far as I could from my sister and parents, I stayed involved and then got really involved with my sister when her life unravelled and she moved in with our mother. My sister sees everyone around her as a potential rescuer and abandoner. I can't help but feel like both of those things with her too, even as I am processing now some of the abuse from when I was a kid. She was so mean, just so mean. I don't want to feel like I am responsible for the happiness of my childhood abuser, but I don't know how to cut the rope that holds the giant weight pulling me under water. It has been easier for me to cut out my mother, who is a rejecting and passive parent, because she'll be just fine without me. It's my sister, who was also neglected, but who abused me, and who now expects me to give her what she never got from our mother. But I am not her mother.

Tuba Günaydın

3/10/2022 05:14:53 am

Dear Dr.Gibson,

I am studying Family Counseling and Education Master's Program in Turkey. Your books are instructive and inspired me about the topics I'd like to work on.

I start to write a thesis about Emotionally Immature Parents. I need a scale to apply parents of teenagers similar to scales in your "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" books. Do you have any recommendations or examples to help me?

I really would like to talk with you and get some insight from you please. Can I have your email address?

Regards,
Tuba Günaydın

4/3/2022 10:47:16 am

Hello Tuba, That sounds like interesting research! As of now, there are no questionnaires or scales. I have no other recommendations except to come up with something yourself and then validate it for your use. Good luck!
Dr. Gibson

Esmeralda Herrera link

3/14/2022 07:45:48 am

HI I am a 55-year-old mother. I am daughter of emotional immature parents. So, I grew suffering and with a deep feeling of being wrong, lonely …. My parents did the same with their parents...so I see it continuous.

In the last years I became therapist (EFT/tapping, bioneuroemocion, food addictions certificate, etc.) and feel much better with myself and others. But I don’t work as a therapist. I don’t feel ready to help others well. But I am better with my family, parents, etc. and I even got married again last November.

My worries are my 30- and 29-years old daughters. I divorced from their EIP father when they were 2 and 3 years old but the problem is that we as parents, did not change much.

It seems my oldest daughter is a externalizer and the youngest one internalizer.....both of them went to the University (actress and business), but not much work, both of them go to therapist, take psychiatric medicine, smoke marijuana and depend economically from me .

With your wonderful book I understand so much better now. I want to give my daughter tools so they believe in their self-more and can heal from their childhood. I gave them your book, but they have not read it.

Any advice to empower myself more and help them better? I think that since I still gave them economical resources, I guess I can do something.

Thanks a lot for your advice.

Adam Yasmin link

6/18/2022 10:29:37 pm

Hi Lindsay, I’m in the midst of ACEIP and look forward to the follow up, Recovery. I’ve estranged myself from my toxic mother 5 years ago after learning about the BPD framework and started working regularly with a depth psychologist, however there doesn’t seem to be a deep understanding of emotional loneliness on their part… Given your busy schedule would you be able to take on a new coaching client? If not, would you be able to recommend someone? Thanks for your time and attention.

Lindsay Gibson

6/20/2022 10:53:54 am

Hi Adam,
It sounds like you are really taking good care of yourself. Unfortunately, I am not able to take on any new clients due to my schedule and don't have any recommendations at this time. However, I would like to suggest an excellent book that goes deeply into the causes and feeling of emotional loneliness experience, called The Primal Wound by Furman and Gila. Also, in animal studies with monkeys, the effects of loneliness and lack of warmth were written about by Harry Harlow. A great book about his life and work was Love at Goon Park. Also, check out on You Tube the Tronick Still Face experiments with babies. Hope these works are helpful and validating to you. Emotional loneliness is very much hard-wired into us if we don't get that connected emotional recognition. But once you know what it is, you can address it.
Sincerely,
Dr. Gibson

Andrew S link

9/9/2022 02:06:54 pm

Hi Dr Gibson,

First off, thank you so very much for your books. Reading them explained so much about the difficult dynamics I've dealt with and felt like I "stopped taking crazy pills."

Over the years, I've done an enormous amount of self-work and put so much effort into trying to develop a healthy relationship with my parents (passive and emotionally distant mother, volatile & abusive father). Realizing I could only focus on one interaction at a time was enormously freeing and helpful.

My question is this: is it productive to confront my father about his former behavior? He has never even acknowledged his verbally & physically abusive behavior, let alone taken any responsibility or apologized for his behavior or the impact of it.

As I've said to my mother, I cannot and will not do his work for him. I've forgiven him, but don't think any real reconciliation is possible without him taking responsibility. Is there any value in calmly confronting him, or do I just need to give up that idea, limit my interaction with him, and take it one interaction at a time?

Thank you for all you do!
Andrew

Mary

9/15/2022 06:02:24 pm

Dr. Gibson,
Would it be bad to include my emotionally immature parent in my own child’s life on a surface level (like for last-minute childcare or seeing them during holidays a few times a year) or would that jeopardize my child too much?
-M

Paula

10/31/2022 03:32:48 pm

I read you book to help me understand what and why my daughter estranged from us and said we were emotionally neglectful. I honestly did not know what that meant at the time. We were young parents, and were definitely emotionally immature. Do you offer any suggestions for a recovering emotionally immature parent? How can we own, and repair our mistakes made as emotionally imager parents and the damage we have done to our (now) adult children? Maybe your next book?

Lindsay C Gibson link

11/1/2022 09:07:21 am

Dear Paula,
Thank you for writing your very heartfelt and poignant note. It's a huge step to take your daughter's feedback seriously and I know that at some level she must appreciate that very much. Of course our first instinct is to explain ourselves and ask for the child's empathy and forgiveness, but that should come later in the process. Right now, your best strategy is just to listen and reflect what you hear to make sure you let her know that you "get" what she's saying. She may have to repeat it many more times than you are comfortable hearing it, but that's a very important part of the process of reversing the estrangement. It isn't a matter of her telling you the issue one time, it's the repeated experience for her of telling you and having you listen with empathy and regret that will begin the healing. Many adult children have tried to communicate their feelings before the estrangement and have given up, so there will be a necessary period of your owning and understanding what you might have unwittingly done that made her want to leave. You're showing remarkable insight and empathy, so I feel optimistic for you in this process. It may feel unfair to you that you gave your child so much and tried so hard and they don't understand it from your point of view, but for many year children are at a power disadvantage with their parents and it can take a long time to repair things when they feel empowered to finally tell you what was wrong. You know that you may have been emotionally immature (as we all have been at some point in our lives!) so try not to take her complaints as a slam to your self-esteem now. You did the best you could under the circumstances, I'm sure. Forgive yourself, listen carefully to her, try to see her as a psychologically real individual person, and watch yourself for any tendencies to criticize, control or dismiss her feelings, and you may be on the road to a new type of relationship with her, even though it may take awhile -- much longer than you will think is fair. But that's okay, that may be what is required to get back the relationship you want. Best of luck to you! Sincerely, Dr Gibson

11/1/2022 11:26:35 am

Thank you so much. I appreciate your feedback. I’m going to continue learning and growing. I now realize the importance of validation, and how to listen with empathy as you’ve said. I’m working on forgiving myself as well. That is not easy.
Thank you again.

Risa

11/6/2022 06:41:08 pm

Dr. Gibson,

It's been enlightening to listen to your books on audio, and then have my parents act out the exact behavior you reference in the book. I've come to a place where I can now remove myself from the experience, and look at their behaviors from a third lens; similar to an anthropologist looking at a different culture. I chuckle at times how exact their behavior is after listening to a chapter in your book. Here we have exhibit A, B, C....is what goes through my head while the behavior is happening. It's a breath of fresh air being emotionally removed from the behavior--it's been a long time since I didn't have to feel hurt by the comments made. Sure, I still have my moments of taking it personally; but I'm only human.

Your book has been extremely helpful in understanding why my parents behave the way they do, and I love that you provide samples of what I can possibly say to disrupt their behavior, however, I wonder, is your book translated in any other language besides English? Perhaps, Japanese? My parents speak Japanese, and my Japanese is too limited when it comes to having a one on one talk with my parents. The English examples you give make sense; but I'm not sure what the direct translation would be for a non-English speaking emotionally immature person. Having to deal with EIP is one thing, but to have a language barrier on top of that can be challenging.

I'd love to learn other resources if any behind your work in other cultures. I thank you again for this book and all the smiles and insights it has brought to my life.

Kim

11/16/2022 04:24:13 pm

Hi Dr. Gibson,
Your work has honestly been life (and sanity) saving. Thank you for putting your work out there for so many to benefit from.

I have two questions that I haven't been able to find answers to:
1) How much overlap is there between EIPs and Aspergers?

2) Could Complex-PTSD be the root cause of EIP?

Also, a request: would you consider writing a book specific to EI spouses?

Thank you, and pls don't ever stop doing this life-giving work!!

Almudena

12/14/2022 06:59:31 am

Dear doctor
I hope my message finds you well.
Thank you so much for your books. I think I can say that reading the first one has literally saved my life!
I have written a long letter to tell you how much it means to me to have discovered you, your books and all the podcasts where you talk about this, but I perfectly understand how busy you must be. I just wanted you to know that I have finally found the answer to many of the questions I have been asking myself since I was a little girl. It's been a tough life, but also full of blessings, and I hope that it gets better, from now on.
Thank you again.
Almu

Karen

12/25/2022 05:20:48 pm

Hi Dr. Gibson,
I was curious about children who are compassionate, but never received praise/notice for their good deeds. Can some children of Immature Parents be Altruistic? I have been told I am codependant by my Mother, but I get joy from anonymous giving equally as gift giving. I'm no Mother Theresa, but "giving" is like a hobby for me. Only a few people are aware I do this and enjoy it. Giving food to free food pantries feels good knowing a child may be well fed versus go hungry. Grew up in a big family where I was invisible, never validated, soothed, cared for, etc... Put myself thru college - with my Mother to make sure I knew college didn't pay for itself. Zero praise/acknowledgement - was very bitter on my Wedding Day - no positive emotions, no i love you's, etc... I love taking care of rescues, kids, my husband of over 30 years and am curious if my weight gain / anxiety could be rooted in having a leaky gut instead of living as a FALSE SELF. I have learned leaky guts can cause anxiety/depression and fatigue. How do you tell when someone is FALSE versus have low moods/anxiety due to leaky gut? I have estranged myself from my big family of 9 due to bullying- but do contact my mother as she is in hospice and has a different personality now. I read about a Psychologist named Dr. Peterson who resolved his decades of depression after removing all plant foods from his diet - eats only meat and water and is finally happy. Plants, I have read, disrupt his gut. His daughter also had to do the same - she had autoimmune issues and major depression - she is now happy and healthy by changing her diet. If I give, it's because I enjoy doing so. Your book never mentioned children who never received any positive feedback for good behavior/deeds/helping AND still give because they like making people happy. And emotion contagion - their happiness makes me happy. Anything you can add to my understanding would be great. I'm just starting chapter 8 in your book, but wanted to ask as I think this was not addressed. Love your book so much. I wish I had read it long ago :-)

Ashley

1/2/2023 03:15:27 am

Dr. Gibson,

(Overwhelmingly indebted to you. Actually can't quite verbalize it, which is saying something as you will find I tend to be loquacious. But, I'll jump right into it and try to be as concise, yet descriptive as possible.)

I recently discovered your work and it has provided invaluable clarity regarding many of my relationships (namely the one I have with each of my parents). I have also been doing substantial "soul-searching" and putting in heavy introspective, emotional labor - learning more about myself, discovering that I am a Highly Sensitive Person, and why I respond to people, stimuli, and situations the way that I do. I am, undoubtedly, an intense, anxious, over-achieving, always-ruminating empath (a textbook Internalizer) with many flaws and a long way to go on this journey of self-development, growth, and healing. One of the most important and most emergent steps on this journey was my husband and I setting a firm, practically no-contact boundary with my mother and step-father (barring family necessities where other people initiate conversation). I would describe my mother as more of the Passive type EIP (did nearly nothing to protect my brothers and me from our verbally and psychologically abusive father), is willfully ignorant with privileged naïveté and fiercely unable to handle any type of criticism; however, my step-father is the cliche entitled, hypocritical, judgmental, aloof, holier-than-thou narcissist, not only astonishingly disrespectful towards feelings or perspectives that differ from his own, but will literally tell people that their feelings about something they experienced (and that which he knows absolutely nothing about) are incorrect. His blatant dismissiveness towards others leaves people speechless, stunned at his egotism and callous cluelessness.

Long story short: I have been tempted to share your work and/or a couple of your interviews with my mother. I know it's likely just part of my Healing Fantasy...but part of me still believes that if she heard your explanations, then maybe something would "click" and she would finally be able to see herself with vulnerability and transparency, and finally be willing to heal from unresolved trauma and stop perpetuating it. My step-father would immediately reject all of this; in fact, he wouldn't even listen long enough to process, analyze, and then reject it. He's only been in my life for 5 years and I'm resigned to not waste any more energy trying to connect with him. But, my mom.... It is always exhausting and painstaking, but there have been monumental instances where she acknowledges wrongdoing and apologizes. Unfortunately, her remorse eventually proves unintentionally insincere (I think she is genuinely apologetic in the moment, or thinks that she is) as the toxic cycle inevitably repeats itself within a few weeks or months. I believe that she lacks the knowledge, perspective, emotional maturity, and desire to face her flaws and negative impact on others. I am reaching out to you today because I have not found the answer to this question in any of your podcasts, books, or forums: should we have the EIPs with whom we are trying to repair and/or build a relationship listen to your podcasts or read your books? You describe the harsh, but astonishingly accurate truths about them, their pasts, and their psyches so completely and eloquently that for me to do it justice would be word-for-word plagiarism. I feel like it would be much easier to just have my mom listen to your "Ten Percent Happier" interview than for me to try and explain, lovingly but objectively and comprehensively, what I've discovered about her because of you. Yet, something within me fears that doing so might be counter-productive? Like, perhaps you would very much caution me against me telling my mom that I've learned painful and undoubtedly repressed, but clarifying and inexplicably validating truths about her (I definitely wouldn't use any labels or tell her that I'm certain she is an Emotionally Immature Person/Parent). My question comes from the land of Last Ditch Efforts, of wanting to put my new perspective and boundaries in context, wanting to explain them to her so she knows that I love her, but that I've grown and changed for the better and if she wants to have a mature, positive, reciprocal relationship with me than she needs to do the same (I'm sure my impulse to constantly explain and clarify is due to my unyielding desire to be seen, understood, and affirmed). But, would it be moot to introduce her to the EIP world? Or worse yet, detrimental?

Grateful for your time, your intellect, and your heart,
Ashley

Preeya

1/20/2023 03:54:04 pm

Dear Dr. Gibson,

Do you offer telehealth appointments? I am slowly making my way through your book ACEIP, and it is allowing me to process and make sense of the trauma I faced in childhood. I want to thank you so sincerely for your work. It has been life changing for me, and I would like to work with you to further explore and investigate my personal trauma. Please let me know if this could be possible.

Warm regards,
Preeya

Betty Jean Fountain-Magnus

1/23/2023 04:49:46 pm

Dear Dr. Gibson. I have read all the comments on your website and IL am made aware of EIP for the first time. I didn't know if I should tell my client to move away from her EIP mother. This website helps me. Thank you.

Malcom Bennett

2/19/2023 10:24:41 pm

HI Dr Gibson,

Do you have advice for the child of EIPs who is now a parent himself? I have struggled my entire life with confidence and feeling like I don't fit into any group, as you have described in your books. Now, I have my own kiddo. I am crazy about her, and also feel like an imposter, like I'm not worthy of her love, and that she would be better off with a different parent. I sense that these feelings must be connected with being raised by EIP parents but don't know how to break free of them.

Thank you so much for all of your work!

Gene Dewitt link

2/21/2023 12:38:14 pm

I guess my only wrong decision is that I agree to live with my in-laws. My wife's parents have the characteristics of Emotionally Immature Parents and it greatly affects my relationship with my wife. We often quarrel a lot because of them. The description mentioned in the article truly defines the characteristics of my in-laws. Both, my wife and even my kids don't want to be close to them, it's just that we don't have any choice at the moment because we are staying with them. They are self-centered, they care more about themselves rather than the emotional needs and even the needs of my kids. They don't respect our opinion and even that of my wife. They always think of what is best for themselves. I pray and I'm hoping to get away soon from them so I can provide care and respect for my own family without their involvement. However I'm not cutting the contact, it's just that, we want to be as much as possible away from them.

2/21/2023 12:59:45 pm

That sounds like a well-reasoned and nuanced response to a difficult situation. You are recognizing what you and your family need, but just can't change your circumstances immediately. Such is life! But your plan sounds very good, to ultimately create the optimal distance necessary to be able to sustain some kind of relationship, even if it's never very pleasant. Hats off to you and your family for your perseverance and eventual escape plan. You'll get there. Best wishes, Dr. Gibson

Reinier Voorn

3/5/2023 07:27:18 am

Dear Dr. Gibson,

I am curently in a healing proces and think that your books would really help me with the specific issues I'm facing. I was wondering which books you would say are most useful and necessary to read in order to support healing from wounds caused by EIPs. I was thinking about reading all 4 books you mention on your website in the order they are listed, but maybe they have a lot of overlap and it would be sufficient to just read the latter two for instance. I think the work you have done is wonderful and so important by the way so thank you for that! Thank you in advance for your reply!

Kind regards,
Reinier Voorn

Erica

3/6/2023 03:23:49 am

Hi Dr. Gibson,

I'm messaging to look for further advice to stop being a Tyrannical talker.

In Self Care for Adult Children of Emotionally immature parents, in the chapter on
Tyrannical Talkers. How you broke down the root of the behavior really she'd light to my personal life. It would be lovely if you can share more on how Tyrannical Talkers can practice to improve.

I've been aware of my tyrannical bad habit, however it's been very difficult to find ways to grow and improve. The habit is relatively controllable professionally, but when in casual and relaxed state, it comes out. Especially worse when coupled with feelings of anxiety that people around me would be annoyed. It's often too late when i picked up on the habit in action.

As you've said in the book, people distance themselves from me. It would be life changing if you have more advice and practice programs I can do on my own to change.
Thank you.

Kind regards,
Erica

Eric

3/6/2023 03:27:09 am

Sorry I just realized that I posted this on the wrong thread. I'll look for the right spot. Please delete my comment.

Kel

3/24/2023 10:29:29 am

I am having a ton of guilt in keeping my 10 year old son away from my emotionally immature parents. I need space as they have told me my feelings are wrong, I'm crazy or that my memories are incorrect. I am exhausted and realizing , painfully, the reality of our relationship..unfortunately AFTER I have integrated my son into their lives and them into his. They would fawn over him and I fear as he gets older and becomes himself, which I encourage and love wholeheartedly, that they may hurt him how they've hurt me. I feel a need to protect, but my son is too young to understand this dynamic and though he doesn't bring them up often at all, I can sense confusion and sadness in him about the separation. I try to bring it up on occasion, asking if he has any questions or how he feels...but he seems uncomfortable around talking about it, so I drop it and give him space from it...hoping he will ask me if he wants to when he is ready.
The guilt truly is all consuming for me. Especially because I'm a single mom and we really have no other family but my parents.
Advice?

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