My Therapist is Stumped

6/29/2020

Dear Dr. Gibson,

Have you noticed any correlations between adult children of emotionally immature parents (ACEIPs) and leaving their mental health professional(s) stumped and/or unable to help them? If so, what suggestions would you provide for the individuals?

Dear Reader,

Internalizer ACEIPs appear to be handling things better than they really are. They typically don’t show the debilitating symptoms or dramatic acting out of some psychotherapy clients. Their distress comes more from a disconnection from the self, chronic self-criticism, and difficulties in expressing boundaries. They feel emotionally lonely yet find it hard to reach out for help or let people know what they need.

When starting therapy, ACEIPs should alert their therapists that they minimize their distress and need help taking their feelings completely seriously. It helps to let the therapist know that they have already have good insight, can put things in perspective, and think rationally about their feelings. But what they need help with is exploring who they really are, untangling guilt and self-doubt, and getting to the bottom of their true feelings, no matter how confusing these may be. Otherwise, the therapist is likely to see them as much more capable than they really feel.

Different therapies are helpful for different issues. Therapies that focus on evidence-based techniques for specific symptoms may not be the best for addressing the broader emotional injuries which can arise from a childhood with emotionally immature parents. Instead, the ACEIP may feel better served by more emotionally-oriented and existential therapies.

Many people benefit from therapies that emphasize symptom-relief and life skills. Indeed, much of our popular psychological training emphasizes these therapeutic approaches. But ACEIPs need to find a therapist who understands the particular issues of growing up with emotionally immature parents. Therapists help most who understand the underlying distress of chronic invalidation in high-functioning ACEIPs and are not distracted by their surface competence. ACEIPs benefit most from an attachment-informed therapy that can work through deeper emotional issues to develop self-acceptance and self-connection. In addition to working with therapists familiar with ACEIP issues, my favorite therapy approaches that get at the deeper emotional complexities of the whole person are Internal Family Systems (IFS), Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP), and Bruce Ecker’s Coherence Therapy.

19 Comments

Sandra

7/30/2020 09:09:58 pm

Hello Dr Gibson, I would like to know if you do seminars via zoom? We are an organisation in NSW Australia and I am interested in the subject of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents for our team of counsellors, social workers and psychologists.

Cam

11/20/2020 09:52:37 pm

Can I ask which organization in NSW are you referring to? I live in Sydney and would like to know more about therapists or organizations specialized in this subject, as I have recently discovered this sad “truth” about my own family...

Jas

11/22/2020 05:46:54 am

Same! I am trying to find someone who is familiar with this book to help me further located in Australia. Lindsay would you have any recommendations of Psychologists based in Australia?

11/22/2020 05:48:03 am

Sandra, if you offer zoom sessions i would love to have further information as i am currently looking for an Australian Psychologist to process this book with.

Carrie

8/29/2020 11:57:06 am

Dear Dr. Gibson, I just wanted to say Thank you for writing your two books about EIP. I have been in therapy on and off for 8 years trying to understand my difficult mother. None of the labels fit completely until I found your books. Reading your chapter on internalizers was like a million lightbulbs going off. How do you know to describe me so well!?! Really, thank you thank you thank you for helping me to heal! Also, do you do zoom sessions? I would love to run some specific boundary pushing issues by you to get some feedback- specifically, my mother coming to my house unannounced and using my property and deck repeatedly despite me asking and telling her STRONGLY not to do so. Im at a loss of how to proceed! Thanks again! Carrie

Rosa

9/8/2020 01:14:22 am

I really enjoyed your book on adult children of eip. The ladies of my favorite murder recommend it was eye opening. Im writing tho to let you know there's s total rip off of your book on Amazon by some dr. Theresa covert, toxic parents. You wouldn't believe how similar they are. Check it out!

Janet

10/18/2020 08:48:40 pm

Hi Dr. Gibson. This is so on point. I had one therapist say to me something along the lines "you're not that damaged". I'm reading ACEIP and finding it extremely insightful, as if you have lived in my head since forever. Your work has given me hope of finally breaking through the deep emotional loneliness that I have felt for decades. Very grateful for your work. thank you.

11/20/2020 10:33:29 pm

Dear Dr Gibson,
I picked your book from the shelf of my local bookstore 3 days ago and that day I had a revelation. Few weeks before I had started googling terms like “unloving mothers”, “evil mothers”, pushed by a very significant second in my life, during one of the many discussions with my mother, when I have finally decided that what she feels for me has absolutely nothing to do with love or, at least, empathy. I ended up on web pages talking about narcissistic mothers... but I wasn’t really convinced this was an accurate description of what I had experienced for so many years. Then, a bit of luck came my way: I walked into Dymocks, in Sydney, went straight to the “parenting” section... and I saw your book. I had found some links about immature parents, so I thought: this must be related! I started reading it sitting on the book store floor and could barely stop crying.
Long story short, I am an internalizer, my brother an externalizer, my mum, an immature parent. Me and my brother live 10,000 km away, my mum lives with me, temporarily, but did so for the past year, because of covid.
That day was the most emotional one I had in years! I felt so much anger (“she was a primary school teacher, she should have known, for goodness’ sake!”), despair (“how am I going to fix this now?”), regret (for not having googled it before!). The next day, I felt hope (“l have Dr Gibson’s book!”), then again, anger, pity (for my brother)...
I’m still reading your book, reading passages of it to my husband - he is a fantastic partner, and during the years, he would give me advice on how not to suffer because of my mum, without even having read your book.
However, I’m not quite sure where to go next, my brother needs somebody to help him find his way out. I have suffered a lot, but I think I can cope with it and can try to help myself out (although in your reply to a comment on this page you were saying that internalizers appear to be handling things better than they really are).
Would you be available for a conversation, would you be able to suggest where to go for help?
Life is made of so many things... paradoxically, this Annus Horribilis changed my life drastically: because of Covid, my mum was stuck here, in Australia, for much longer than she usually stays every year ... this, probably helped me find this ray of light.
I am really hoping you will reply to me, one form and another.
Last, but not least, a huge thank you for writing this book in the way you wrote it. Without it, I wouldn’t have ever understood what was wrong with our family.
All my best wishes,
C.

May

5/15/2021 01:18:25 pm

Hi Dr. Gibson,

I wanted to write to tell you how deeply I appreciate and value your work. I have all of your books and am really looking forward to your new one on self care. I came across your work a few months ago in my efforts to untangle difficult feelings and experiences related to my parents. I am a 46 year old woman, happily married for 20 years (with a sweet golden retriever). Both of my parents are alive, and are now around 80.

I think coming to terms with the fact that my parents are nearing the end of their lives, and that there will not be the kind of relationship repair I was hoping for, has been hard. I have been increasingly aware of the deep frustration and grief that I feel. The issues with my family were so difficult that I developed an eating disorder at age 14 (anorexia crossing to bulimia later) which I did not fully recover from until I was in my early 20s (and moved out). The trigger at the time was my father’s incarceration and the chaotic emotional climate at home. My father is largely ‘driven’ and my mother largely ‘passive,’ but under stress both gravitate towards ‘emotional.’ My father’s incarceration was in fact not the biggest problem for me per se but rather what I believe amounted to emotional neglect, parental psychological control and parentification over the course of my childhood (and like most of your clients I am very much an internalizer).

Your work has been an incredible balm in this process of deepening my perspective and helping me come to terms with my feelings. Thank you for helping us children of EIPs to validate our own feelings, to gain a better perspective, and also for reminding us to not lose connection to ourselves.

I have come across other therapists who work on childhood trauma and neglect issues who offer online courses etc. I have not participated in any of those and frankly don’t plan to (I have not been in therapy since I was 16). But if you ever chose to offer something similar or even a newsletter, please know I would sign up for it in a heartbeat, because I have found your insights uniquely precise, rich and helpful. Otherwise, I will be forever grateful for your books!!

Thank you so very much Dr. Gibson!

Michelle

8/30/2021 12:44:14 pm

Hell Dr. Gibson, do you offer any therapy over Zoom? I’m feeling rather stuck and have devoured two of your books which helped me gain so much insight into our family patterns. I’m reading them a second time to fully absorb the information.

My father passed away and the domino effect has amplified the toxic energy from my mother and sibling. I’m in cocoon mode and need help to navigate. Thank you for your amazing work and help.

Dr LINDSAY GIBSON

8/30/2021 03:20:04 pm

Hi Michelle, Sorry to hear about your father. I understand how that might amplify other family issues. I hope things get better soon. Right now I'm quite full in my schedule, but in a couple of months or so you could look me up on line and leave me a message if you would like to try later.

Wishing you the best, Dr. Gibson

Anya Talis

12/12/2021 07:21:15 am

Dear Dr. Gibson,

I know this is probably a long shot but I really, really want to work with you! I'm an HSP and a child of EIP immigrant parents and have experienced an immense amount of trauma. I actually had given up on therapy altogether because I could never really get the help I needed from past therapists. And now thanks to the question 'My Therapist is Stumped' I finally know why this is the case. What a relief!

You mention in one of your comments (back in August) about you possibly having an opening in a few months and I am wondering if that's still the case or if there might be anything in the future?

Please let me know. I really appreciate your consideration.

Respectfully yours,

Anya

Lindsay Gibson

12/12/2021 11:31:51 am

Hello Anya,
I regret to say that I have no availability anytime in the near future. I wish you well in finding a therapist who may be familiar with the work you want to do,
Best wishes, Dr. Gibson

12/15/2021 07:14:40 am

Thank you for the quick response. Could you please direct me to other therapists who specialize in working with ACIEPs?

Thank you

Jen Hill

3/5/2022 02:36:55 pm

I also have EIP mother, no contact with my two older brothers, a rocky relationship with younger brother.
I’m turning 59, my mother in her 80’s now. My relationship with my mother has been on & off since I left home at 16, due to my mother’s explosive behaviour towards myself. I’ve tried having a more caring , empathetic relationship with my mum in her aging for a few years now with it being mostly enjoyable by staying in mum’s preferred boundaries. She had been mostly forgiving after any minor outburst toward me. Until she ended up in hospital with a skin tear to leg. When the hospital informed three days later & I phoned mum in hospital all the old mental & emotional games rained down on me again from mum. I try to be non defensive & be understanding of her emotional situation, I had to end the phone call because I felt mum was backing me into a corner, I told her I was ending the ph call because I didn’t want to argue with her. She got angry because the hospital had called me. She didn’t want to tell me what had happened, only angry about my knowing & how I knew. This has always been one of the many types of mums attacks on me.
Realising her aging situation l feel I should be there for her. As always in my life my family never contacts me unless I contact them. So knowing more about mum’s current situation is up to me to find out, with dire consequences. My husband is astounded at the emotional abuse I’ve taken from them all over my life. Where do I go from here

3/5/2022 05:23:42 pm

Hello Jen, Have you noticed how some people just look for opportunities to feel angry and wounded? You sound like you tried to show care and concern, but were rewarded with criticism and complaint. It's loyal of you to try to be there for your mother, but if she doesn't want your concern, what are you supposed to do? I think you reaction of ending the call made sense. You can try again another time, if it puts your heart at ease. But I wouldn't expect your mother to behave differently at this point. You have to think of your own emotional self-protection, don't you? Contact her when you feel like it, but be prepared for more of the same. It's not your fault; she has her issues.

JEN STEWART

3/29/2022 02:59:07 am

Dear Lindsay Both I and my former husband had EIP. His relationship with my daughter has always been fraught and it broke my heart over her teenage years. She is now 32yo, with several uni awards but unemployed and using weed and alcohol daily. She has a therapist but Im not sure how its going as she is so so down and depressed. Two of my other children and I want to support her - we have very warm and caring relationships with her but we're not sure how to approach the chronic unemployment, fear, resignation and substance abuse. We support her financially. Any advice so very very gratefully received. Should we seek family counselling, how do we set boundaries re our financial support, how can we walk beside her to provide energy and support until she feels better and stronger. We live in Syndey and Canberra and my daughter in Seattle says if she wasnt a new working mum she would come straight over. Many thanks Jen

3/29/2022 10:39:33 am

Thanks for writing, Jen. Perhaps your daughter is getting identified as the one in the family who has all the problems. Aside from being concerned family members, the best thing you and your other daughters can do is to focus on resolving your own issues. Your therapist may be able to help you find good ways of being there for your daughter but in a way that always has an eye toward increasing her independence and ability to make choices for herself. Of course if your daughter were receptive to family therapy, that could be well worth trying. There may be other factors that come out as a result. Parental coaching and Alanon could also help you to adopt a way of thinking about this that would cause you less anguish. Wishing you well, Dr. Gibson

YukiYuki

4/21/2022 03:46:52 am

Hi, Dr. Gibson

This message is constructed with 1 big heartfelt thank you and 2 questions and 1 curiosity.

First of all, thank you so so much for putting these behaviours, attitudes, phenomenons into writing and manifesting them into descriptive words.

After reading "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to heal from distant, rejecting, or self-involved parents", I went on reading "Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents: Practical tools to establish boundaries & reclaim your emotional autonomy" and now I am on "Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents."

Apart from the talks hosted by Patricia Young on unapologetically sensitive and two Podcasts as We Heal Together and Therapy Chat.

Finally it seems like that I have come a lot closer to the core reason of "leaking" self-acceptance, self-worth, and self-value. Despite 4 ish years of weekly-based 1-on-1 therapy.

Question1: How different it is an Internaliser of ACEIPs from co-dependency, HSP, and a covert narcissist?

Question 2: How to reach more helps to help an intense and in-dept Internaliser to breed self-worth and value without leaking what's been accumulated out?????? (This is so painfully frustrating, almost reaching a learned-hopelessness state seeing it oozing out.

Curiosity: Somehow these descriptions and concepts of EIPs can be quite culturally driven, it seems. Like a top-down compelling judgement on "being a good/bad kid". (A bit like the "cult" in one of the talks, nope?) It seems in some Asian cultures, some of behaviours and beliefs are taught as ritual but I see similarities in the behaviours and beliefs of EIPs.

YukiYuki from Japan/Taiwan

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