Dr. Lindsay Gibson
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Readers' Q & A

My Therapist is Stumped

6/29/2020

8 Comments

 
Dear Dr. Gibson,
 
Have you noticed any correlations between adult children of emotionally immature parents (ACEIPs) and leaving their mental health professional(s) stumped and/or unable to help them? If so, what suggestions would you provide for the individuals?
 
Dear Reader,
 
Internalizer ACEIPs appear to be handling things better than they really are. They typically don’t show the debilitating symptoms or dramatic acting out of some psychotherapy clients. Their distress comes more from a disconnection from the self, chronic self-criticism, and difficulties in expressing boundaries. They feel emotionally lonely yet find it hard to reach out for help or let people know what they need.
 
When starting therapy, ACEIPs should alert their therapists that they minimize their distress and need help taking their feelings completely seriously. It helps to let the therapist know that they have already have good insight, can put things in perspective, and think rationally about their feelings. But what they need help with is exploring who they really are, untangling guilt and self-doubt, and getting to the bottom of their true feelings, no matter how confusing these may be. Otherwise, the therapist is likely to see them as much more capable than they really feel.
 
Different therapies are helpful for different issues. Therapies that focus on evidence-based techniques for specific symptoms may not be the best for addressing the broader emotional injuries which can arise from a childhood with emotionally immature parents. Instead, the ACEIP may feel better served by more emotionally-oriented and existential therapies.
 
Many people benefit from therapies that emphasize symptom-relief and life skills. Indeed, much of our popular psychological training emphasizes these therapeutic approaches. But ACEIPs need to find a therapist who understands the particular issues of growing up with emotionally immature parents. Therapists help most who understand the underlying distress of chronic invalidation in high-functioning ACEIPs and are not distracted by their surface competence. ACEIPs benefit most from an attachment-informed therapy that can work through deeper emotional issues to develop self-acceptance and self-connection. In addition to working with therapists familiar with ACEIP issues, my favorite therapy approaches that get at the deeper emotional complexities of the whole person are Internal Family Systems (IFS), Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP), and Bruce Ecker’s Coherence Therapy.
8 Comments
Sandra
7/30/2020 09:09:58 pm

Hello Dr Gibson, I would like to know if you do seminars via zoom? We are an organisation in NSW Australia and I am interested in the subject of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents for our team of counsellors, social workers and psychologists.

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Cam
11/20/2020 09:52:37 pm

Can I ask which organization in NSW are you referring to? I live in Sydney and would like to know more about therapists or organizations specialized in this subject, as I have recently discovered this sad “truth” about my own family...

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Jas
11/22/2020 05:46:54 am

Same! I am trying to find someone who is familiar with this book to help me further located in Australia. Lindsay would you have any recommendations of Psychologists based in Australia?

Jas
11/22/2020 05:48:03 am

Sandra, if you offer zoom sessions i would love to have further information as i am currently looking for an Australian Psychologist to process this book with.

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Carrie
8/29/2020 11:57:06 am

Dear Dr. Gibson, I just wanted to say Thank you for writing your two books about EIP. I have been in therapy on and off for 8 years trying to understand my difficult mother. None of the labels fit completely until I found your books. Reading your chapter on internalizers was like a million lightbulbs going off. How do you know to describe me so well!?! Really, thank you thank you thank you for helping me to heal! Also, do you do zoom sessions? I would love to run some specific boundary pushing issues by you to get some feedback- specifically, my mother coming to my house unannounced and using my property and deck repeatedly despite me asking and telling her STRONGLY not to do so. Im at a loss of how to proceed! Thanks again! Carrie

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Rosa
9/8/2020 01:14:22 am

I really enjoyed your book on adult children of eip. The ladies of my favorite murder recommend it was eye opening. Im writing tho to let you know there's s total rip off of your book on Amazon by some dr. Theresa covert, toxic parents. You wouldn't believe how similar they are. Check it out!

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Janet
10/18/2020 08:48:40 pm

Hi Dr. Gibson. This is so on point. I had one therapist say to me something along the lines "you're not that damaged". I'm reading ACEIP and finding it extremely insightful, as if you have lived in my head since forever. Your work has given me hope of finally breaking through the deep emotional loneliness that I have felt for decades. Very grateful for your work. thank you.

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Cam
11/20/2020 10:33:29 pm

Dear Dr Gibson,
I picked your book from the shelf of my local bookstore 3 days ago and that day I had a revelation. Few weeks before I had started googling terms like “unloving mothers”, “evil mothers”, pushed by a very significant second in my life, during one of the many discussions with my mother, when I have finally decided that what she feels for me has absolutely nothing to do with love or, at least, empathy. I ended up on web pages talking about narcissistic mothers... but I wasn’t really convinced this was an accurate description of what I had experienced for so many years. Then, a bit of luck came my way: I walked into Dymocks, in Sydney, went straight to the “parenting” section... and I saw your book. I had found some links about immature parents, so I thought: this must be related! I started reading it sitting on the book store floor and could barely stop crying.
Long story short, I am an internalizer, my brother an externalizer, my mum, an immature parent. Me and my brother live 10,000 km away, my mum lives with me, temporarily, but did so for the past year, because of covid.
That day was the most emotional one I had in years! I felt so much anger (“she was a primary school teacher, she should have known, for goodness’ sake!”), despair (“how am I going to fix this now?”), regret (for not having googled it before!). The next day, I felt hope (“l have Dr Gibson’s book!”), then again, anger, pity (for my brother)...
I’m still reading your book, reading passages of it to my husband - he is a fantastic partner, and during the years, he would give me advice on how not to suffer because of my mum, without even having read your book.
However, I’m not quite sure where to go next, my brother needs somebody to help him find his way out. I have suffered a lot, but I think I can cope with it and can try to help myself out (although in your reply to a comment on this page you were saying that internalizers appear to be handling things better than they really are).
Would you be available for a conversation, would you be able to suggest where to go for help?
Life is made of so many things... paradoxically, this Annus Horribilis changed my life drastically: because of Covid, my mum was stuck here, in Australia, for much longer than she usually stays every year ... this, probably helped me find this ray of light.
I am really hoping you will reply to me, one form and another.
Last, but not least, a huge thank you for writing this book in the way you wrote it. Without it, I wouldn’t have ever understood what was wrong with our family.
All my best wishes,
C.

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