Living Our Recovery

5/22/2019

Dear Dr. Gibson:
My spouse and I both have EI parents. When we read your book, we saw our parents on every page. It was eye-opening. In order to protect ourselves and our children from their attacks and manipulation, we have had to cut them out of our lives completely. We truly could not see a way to keep our children safe and ourselves emotionally healthy while continuing to weather their abuse. It's difficult, but we hope that in doing so, we are enabling our children to grow up without guilt, shame, manipulation, and abuse. Any insight into recovering as a couple who have come from homes like this, and raising a family sheltered from the storm, would be greatly appreciated.

-- Trying to Do What’s Best

Dear Trying to Do What’s Best,

Your awareness of your issues with your parents means that you are well on your way. EI parents distort reality so frequently that it is a huge step forward to see what they are doing and their effects on your lives. Until you feel confident enough in yourselves to resist their takeovers, a break in contact is sometimes your best choice.

Research has shown that children with parents who are aware of their own childhood pain are much more likely to feel securely attached to those parents and better able to handle stress. Your realization about your parents’ impact on you will contribute directly to your own children’s psychological welfare.

Not sure which of my books you read, but Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents has additional insights and practical tips you could use. As for your recovery as a couple, keep in mind that old generational patterns may rear up when you are stressed or feeling unheard. To be aware and catch them early are huge steps forward. When old family relationship patterns have hurt your bond with each other, apologize and make amends. Practicing nondefensive, intimate communications (see chapter 10 of new book) can help immensely, especially since you are already so aware of your backgrounds. Also, the book, You Are the One You’ve Been Looking For, by Richard Schwartz is an excellent way to chart a new direction in couplehood after absorbing defensive patterns from EI parents. It will help you recognize the relationship defenses that are left over from a threatened childhood and learn how to calm them

8 Comments

Lisa

10/26/2019 08:12:14 pm

Hi Dr. Gibson, I have read and love all your books. Right now, I am particular engaged with 'Who You Were Meant To Be.' This book is providing me with so much support as I navigate big life changes towards more authentic living. Do you have recommendations for further reading on living a more authentic life? Thank you for all the wonderful wisdom you share. I'm looking forward to the second edition of this book and I'll be sure to continue recommending it to friends.

Cheryl

2/7/2020 10:28:40 pm

Hello. I loved Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and have just started reading Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents. It is like you knew my parents and understand me. Thank you for giving me validation. My question is, what advice do you have when both parents are deceased? There is this sense of relief, but that leads to guilt, some sadness and a whole lot of unfinished business. They seem to still have a grip on me from the grave. I have tried to address them but its lot of very one sided conversations. Thank you

Henry

2/13/2020 06:32:09 pm

Hello Dr. Gibson, I've read both of your books and felt exactly the same as 'Trying to Do What's Best'. I was wondering if you were approached to publish your books in a different language or interested in doing so? I'd love to see your books published in my mother tongue.

an adult child of EIPs

2/28/2020 09:32:14 am

Thank you very much for writing such a great book. As an adult kid of EIPs, I can testify that you accurately and precisely address 100% of my feelings and pains. It is extremely impressive. Thank you very much again.
As you correctly explained in chapter 3, they absolutely cannot change, and we need to give up our healing fantasies. I am 35 and after reading your books, I noticed that not only I have EIPs but also, I become a very EI person. I truly love to change. I am wondering why they cannot change and I can?

Most respectfully,

Nick Halavins link

3/31/2020 11:35:03 pm

Dear Dr Lindsay Gibson,

I'm a serial entrepreneur residing in Silicon Valley. My company helped more than 20M people to cope with depression and loneliness.

While reading your book, I had these thoughts. It will take you a lot of efforts to do that, so I please you to read it. If I wrote such a book, I would be happy to know that somebody has these feelings.

“Reading”

While reading the book I didn’t have my phone nearby and found myself reading a sentence I don’t understand. At first I tried to re-read it and find the meaning of the unknown words by carefully looking at them and imagining what they could mean. If my phone was nearby I would use a dictionary which would translate the unknown word in the language I understand. Or I would google it. Because I didn’t have the phone in my hand and couldn’t translate the word I had to rely on my experience. I thought of skipping the unknown word and finding the meaning in the following sentences, but the following sentences relied on the sentence I did not understand. I found myself caring more about how much I read, than how much I understand.

At some point in my life I wanted to read the books super fast. I mastered the skill so that once I read a 100 pages book about war in a few hours. I scanned the pages fast up and down. It helped me to find the information in my memory in case anybody asks it. So basically I scanned it like a scanner and remembered the images of the pages. I had access to the information in my memory, but I didn’t feel it, didn’t live the text. I didn’t imagine myself there in that war, fighting against the enemy, using the ballista to throw huge stones in the enemy from behind a fortress. No, I had a different target at that time: I chose scanning the pages as fast as I could.

When I was a teenager my Mom required me to read 40 pages per day of something I had no interest in. She would open a random page and ask me questions to check if I read it all. I couldn’t use the computer until I read the damn 40 pages.

The same principle was used to us at school. Teachers required us to read books. Then we had tests. The teachers would ask us different questions about different chapters from these books. We had to write the correct answers showing that we read those books. In case your answer was wrong you would get a bad mark. Other students would shame you and joke about you. Your parents would emotionally attack you at home, because they wanted you to have the best marks, to fit the social standards.

Some of these books were not interesting at all, and I didn’t see any point in reading them. But the fear of punishment and social rejection forced me into doing it.

I could read what I was interested in instead if I wasn’t forced to read something I don’t like. I liked encyclopedias, science. Why should I read Tolstoy’s memories instead? Are they more important for my survival than finding out why dinosaurs extinct? What is the chance of an asteroid hitting the Earth in the near future? How many viruses are there on the planet? How long the Sun will keep shining?

Who the hell decided that Tolstoy’s or Shakespeare’s fantasies are more important than that?!

You know what. You have the instincts that show you what’s really important. You have the interest. Your brain rewards you with pleasure when you do something important for your survival. Listen to that. Do only what you’re interested in.

Read only what improves your health and increases your personal chances of survival. Be selfish. Outsmart the system. Do what makes you happier. There is no point reading something just because somebody decided you must do it and forces you into it.

Not interested? Don’t do it. Focus on what you are really interested in. Some people with power try to force you do something you don’t want? Defend yourself. Do not surrender your will and attention. This is your life! Don’t let anybody steal it from you. Don’t let them tell you what to do if you are not interested. Don’t let them manipulate you, shame you, bully you.

Stay strong. Unite with other people who are just like you! Avoid the emotional manipulators at all costs. Do not surrender your attention to them! Do you understand that? DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR ATTENTION!

The whole system is fucked and you feel that naturally.

You feel the emotional pain? You have to read something because somebody will harm you if you don’t? They say bad words about you? They threaten you? Blame you? Shame you? They say you have to be like everybody else? This is not normal!

Emotional violence is not normal! The worst part of it is that you don’t see that. It’s not like physical violence when they punch your face and you see that because your nose is bleeding. It’s worse. It’s invisible. They get into your mind and make you stress. Stress is the numb

Solveig (Denmark)

5/1/2020 03:01:32 am

Dear Dr. Gibson. I am a 42 years old mother of three teenagers. I have just listened to your book about emotionally immature parents. I have no douts that both of my parents were emotionally immature- and so am I, though it may not be in the same degre as my parents. My children are 17, 16 and 13. The two oldest show little signs of being dammaged but I'm pretty concerned for my 13 years old girl. I am very controlling when it comes to eating fruits and vegetables (place it in their rooms), doing the homework and exercicing (specially doing this corona-season where they sit in front of the computer all day). Sometimes I do have some nice conversations with my daughter about the things she is interested in. But she turns her head away, if I try to hug her or kiss her hair. She mostly replies me in a very angry way, when I politely ask her something. If I sit down on her bed, she defensively asks me what I want. And even if I ask her to show me what she is watching on the computer, so that we can watch it together - she gets irritated. Is it just at good thing that she is rebel? Can I do more than try to show my interest in the things that occupy her? Do you have any advice on how I can help my children grow emotionally mature?
Thanks a lot for having opened my eyes for the topic of emotionnaly immatureness.
Solveig from Denmark.

Anne

8/4/2020 06:03:54 am

Dear Lindsay,
aged in my 50's, and subjected in the past year to the latest attack by my EI parent, I have discovered your work. Thank you so much for shedding light on the other half of the story. I am working on caring for myself with a body focused therapist now and I feel I am gaining in personal strength and learning to care for myself. The guilt and shame I have experienced in the parent-child relationship are becoming easier to see and to disown. I understand how much hurt was dispensed in a thoughtless manner for me as the sensitive child to pick up.
A
I read about the 4 types of EI parent I notice that there is a description of the possible upbringing the driven parents may have experienced. (Pg 73). I'm wondering about the emotional parents and what their upbringing may have contributed to their inability to regulate their emotions or to tolerate those of their children.

My copy of your book is marked on every page, my experience resonates so much with your account. I am so grateful.
Kind regards. A

Annika

9/5/2021 11:22:58 am

Hi Dr. Gibson,
I loved your book and related to it completely. I was wondering if you could answer my question about the complicating factor of dealing with EI parents when you have kids. I only started to come to terms and diagnose my parents fully after having children. It complicates things because my mother now wants to skip over me and triangulate with my kids. Another complicating factor is that my parent is rich and I have a sibling who is currently the golden child. She used to hurt me a lot by expecting me to fawn after her for a future chance at (my) inheritance, a carrot she’s always held on to. This adds insult to all the injury. I have withdrawn from this parent after telling them in an email how I feel and that I expect changes. Admittedly, I barely ever get to how she hurts me now, because I start with her hurts towards me as a child, and she immediately denies that with her excuses. She has decided that I’m unreasonable and she only wants to see the grandkids without dealing with me. For a time I felt she was running a popularity contest with me for my kids love. It started to interfere with my connection to my kids and how I felt about myself. I am afraid she’s coming for my kids once they turn 16 and then she’ll run a campaign to tell them that I’m bad and deprived her (and them) of a relationship. I’ll be back at square one. I felt too drained by her to allow her to keep coming into my life or home. I am working on myself and after stepping away from my parent, I have more stability, more space to think my own thoughts, and have created a good loving supportive environment for my kids. But I do fear they’ll want the money and will triangulate with her in a few years and I’ll be back to competing with her for them. And competing with them possibly for what I feel is my due inheritance. Either way I see bitter pills in my future. I’ve even been thinking about how I can retain any power in the future, which involves becoming richer, more lovable than her! I have trouble seeing my own worth once they are grown up. Any advice?
(Sorry I couldn’t find a general spot to put this)

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