Dr. Lindsay Gibson
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Readers' Q & A

June 16th, 2020

6/16/2020

4 Comments

 

​How to Handle the Grief and Rage

Dear Dr. Gibson, 
Could you would kindly recommend a book that deals with working through deeply ingrained GRIEF and RAGE caused by an abusive childhood? Grief of who I could have been, etc., and the rage that others' (criminal!) behaviour did not, nor ever will, meet with one single consequence.


Dear Reader,
First of all, I am so sorry that you, the innocent child that you were, have had to suffer through that. Your grief and rage, however, signify that you are not compounding your injuries by blaming yourself. I feel hopeful for your recovery because you are bravely looking at all that happened and seeing it's impact and longer range effects on your life.

I don't have a particular favorite book on that topic, but Alice Miller's books are immensely validating to the child's experience. Also, writing out your feelings can be enormously helpful (including letters to abusers that you never have to send, as well as privately speaking out loud:  1) what you would like them to hear and "get" at long last, and 2) how you intend to live your life differently from now on in spite of their past abuse. Writing and speaking out loud can move feelings through your thinking brain in a way that helps integrate and calm them.

I hope that you will consider psychotherapy to continue doing this working through, since the feelings are so powerful. Also, since so much of abuse happens in secrecy, without comfort from others, it is most helpful to talk about your feelings -- especially any shame, grief, or rage -- to someone who can help you get these legitimate feelings out and accept them as the natural aftermath of being treated so badly. Allow yourself to cry, grieve, and hate, but once you have gotten to the bottom of the barrel of your worst feelings, your job is not to ever forget, but to make the abuse into something that happened to you, but never defined you. 

As for abusers' consequences, they live every day in such a diminished, distorted, and emotionally isolated state that they never experience true emotional intimacy with others, joy, or self-realization. With your honest and consciously felt emotions, you possess a precious inner life that they're ironclad defenses will never allow them to experience.

Best wishes,
Dr. Gibson

4 Comments
Jessie Smith
7/4/2020 01:09:19 pm

I had been low contact with my Mom for 3 years. She died in a car accident on June 20. I thought I'd already grieved the loss of her (over my life-time and especially in the past few years). Now that she died I feel classic grief symtoms of spaced-out fogginess. I feel rather numb. I did not expect this intense reaction
. I would have expected more rage or sadness at what I wished had been.

Reply
R.J. Dundas
5/1/2021 11:11:48 am

I'm 55 and moderately successful. Dr. Gibson's book blew up many of the tenets of my Moral Platform (ones I used to become successful), as I now realize they were just healing fantasies. Once you know where to put the blame, move on. Moreover, if you want people to forgive you of your 'unconcious' behavior, you have to reciprocate the same to others. 'Don't Fight (Punish, Coerce,Focus on) the Old, Build the New.' 'Assemble your Life - (Conscious) Action by (Conscious) Action.' It is a gift they didn't get. Finding your peace of mind is reward enough, you'll see.

Reply
Jane Robins
1/16/2022 02:45:22 pm

Hi Lindsay, I hope you're well... Many thanks for your book 'ACEIPs', which I've read most of now. (It could have been me, writing this 16.6.20 question!) Since my (EI) folks died, especially, I've become interested in social psychology. The unconscious strikes me as one area, that humans as a whole need to become much more aware of, as we collectively strive to become more emotionally mature. I wonder if you know of a book by Tor Norretranders (1998), "The User Illusion". In it the author maintains that, our conscious minds deal with a vastly limited subset, of the information coming through our senses, - 16 bits per second (conscious) compared to 11m bits (unconscious)!

Alongside my 'psyche' interest, I've also been learning a lot about astrology. The latter is currently the best way I know of, to really develop one's self-awareness. (Hopefully, in the coming years, the pros in the field will publish a standardised 'tome', which will enable people to access good quality information, about their various 'astro. aspects'.) In the meantime, I don't know whether you're aware of Gary Goldschneider's books. He studied psychiatry at Yale for 3 years, and then used that training to produce an incredible series of books, which I think go a long way towards describing much of what's going on in folks' unconsciouses (!), dependent on their various birth aspects. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gary_Goldschneider - I wish my folks had had access to them! - (They were your archetypal authoritarian parents.) Well, good luck, and thanks again, Jane R.

Reply
Lauren Lazar
10/2/2022 09:53:23 pm

Hi Dr. Gibson,

First of all, I loved your books on recovering from emotionally immature parents including the workbook. I suppose I'd classify myself as the internalizer type you mentioned. My last therapist specializing in ACT (felt kind of too high level and more like a career coach approach) interviewed you recently on one of her podcasts; she came back and apologized for taking a compassion approach when dealing with my mother. She also mentioned you pretty much never recommend going no contact since so many people essentially don't want that (not how I read the podcast or the amendments in your second book, but I understand it's a highly individual personal choice). I keep hearing most people are left with tremendous guilt (I really care more about my own experience and a more individualized approach.) I've been struggling with this because I've worked on my side of the equation.. and things seem to get worse the better I get, the more successful I am with my career, etc -- definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. Few things - I live in greater Boston and wondering if you have virtual openings/take new patients? I think I could greatly benefit working directly with you if possible.. or any recommendations? I have United Health/Optum but willing to pay out of pocket too. Talk therapy and preferably psychodynamic was recommended in case I'm projecting/not remembering past dialogues/sessions well (willing to explore since I know I have my own lens/baggage/triggers etc).

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