Dear Dr. Gibson,
 
Have you noticed any correlations between adult children of emotionally immature parents (ACEIPs) and leaving their mental health professional(s) stumped and/or unable to help them? If so, what suggestions would you provide for the individuals?
 
Dear Reader,
 
Internalizer ACEIPs appear to be handling things better than they really are. They typically don’t show the debilitating symptoms or dramatic acting out of some psychotherapy clients. Their distress comes more from a disconnection from the self, chronic self-criticism, and difficulties in expressing boundaries. They feel emotionally lonely yet find it hard to reach out for help or let people know what they need.
 
When starting therapy, ACEIPs should alert their therapists that they minimize their distress and need help taking their feelings completely seriously. It helps to let the therapist know that they have already have good insight, can put things in perspective, and think rationally about their feelings. But what they need help with is exploring who they really are, untangling guilt and self-doubt, and getting to the bottom of their true feelings, no matter how confusing these may be. Otherwise, the therapist is likely to see them as much more capable than they really feel.
 
Different therapies are helpful for different issues. Therapies that focus on evidence-based techniques for specific symptoms may not be the best for addressing the broader emotional injuries which can arise from a childhood with emotionally immature parents. Instead, the ACEIP may feel better served by more emotionally-oriented and existential therapies.
 
Many people benefit from therapies that emphasize symptom-relief and life skills. Indeed, much of our popular psychological training emphasizes these therapeutic approaches. But ACEIPs need to find a therapist who understands the particular issues of growing up with emotionally immature parents. Therapists help most who understand the underlying distress of chronic invalidation in high-functioning ACEIPs and are not distracted by their surface competence. ACEIPs benefit most from an attachment-informed therapy that can work through deeper emotional issues to develop self-acceptance and self-connection. In addition to working with therapists familiar with ACEIP issues, my favorite therapy approaches that get at the deeper emotional complexities of the whole person are Internal Family Systems (IFS), Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP), and Bruce Ecker’s Coherence Therapy.

Dear Dr. Gibson, 
Could you would kindly recommend a book that deals with working through deeply ingrained GRIEF and RAGE caused by an abusive childhood? Grief of who I could have been, etc., and the rage that others' (criminal!) behaviour did not, nor ever will, meet with one single consequence.


Dear Reader,
First of all, I am so sorry that you, the innocent child that you were, have had to suffer through that. Your grief and rage, however, signify that you are not compounding your injuries by blaming yourself. I feel hopeful for your recovery because you are bravely looking at all that happened and seeing it's impact and longer range effects on your life.

I don't have a particular favorite book on that topic, but Alice Miller's books are immensely validating to the child's experience. Also, writing out your feelings can be enormously helpful (including letters to abusers that you never have to send, as well as privately speaking out loud:  1) what you would like them to hear and "get" at long last, and 2) how you intend to live your life differently from now on in spite of their past abuse. Writing and speaking out loud can move feelings through your thinking brain in a way that helps integrate and calm them.

I hope that you will consider psychotherapy to continue doing this working through, since the feelings are so powerful. Also, since so much of abuse happens in secrecy, without comfort from others, it is most helpful to talk about your feelings -- especially any shame, grief, or rage -- to someone who can help you get these legitimate feelings out and accept them as the natural aftermath of being treated so badly. Allow yourself to cry, grieve, and hate, but once you have gotten to the bottom of the barrel of your worst feelings, your job is not to ever forget, but to make the abuse into something that happened to you, but never defined you. 

As for abusers' consequences, they live every day in such a diminished, distorted, and emotionally isolated state that they never experience true emotional intimacy with others, joy, or self-realization. With your honest and consciously felt emotions, you possess a precious inner life that they're ironclad defenses will never allow them to experience.

Best wishes,
Dr. Gibson