Dear Dr. Gibson:
My spouse and I both have EI parents. When we read your book, we saw our parents on every page. It was eye-opening. In order to protect ourselves and our children from their attacks and manipulation, we have had to cut them out of our lives completely. We truly could not see a way to keep our children safe and ourselves emotionally healthy while continuing to weather their abuse. It's difficult, but we hope that in doing so, we are enabling our children to grow up without guilt, shame, manipulation, and abuse. Any insight into recovering as a couple who have come from homes like this, and raising a family sheltered from the storm, would be greatly appreciated.

-- Trying to Do What’s Best
 
Dear Trying to Do What’s Best,
 
Your awareness of your issues with your parents means that you are well on your way. EI parents distort reality so frequently that it is a huge step forward to see what they are doing and their effects on your lives. Until you feel confident enough in yourselves to resist their takeovers, a break in contact is sometimes your best choice.
 
Research has shown that children with parents who are aware of their own childhood pain are much more likely to feel securely attached to those parents and better able to handle stress. Your realization about your parents’ impact on you will contribute directly to your own children’s psychological welfare.
 
Not sure which of my books you read, but Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents has additional insights and practical tips you could use. As for your recovery as a couple, keep in mind that old generational patterns may rear up when you are stressed or feeling unheard. To be aware and catch them early are huge steps forward. When old family relationship patterns have hurt your bond with each other, apologize and make amends. Practicing nondefensive, intimate communications (see chapter 10 of new book) can help immensely, especially since you are already so aware of your backgrounds. Also, the book, You Are the One You’ve Been Looking For, by Richard Schwartz is an excellent way to chart a new direction in couplehood after absorbing defensive patterns from EI parents. It will help you recognize the relationship defenses that are left over from a threatened childhood and learn how to calm them

     This forum selects interesting questions from readers to answer. If you would like to read additional questions submitted so far, go straight to the comments section. If you would like to ask a question of your own, please submit it by clicking on the comments section and post your inquiry. If selected for the blog, your question will be anonymous and may be paraphrased. Please be aware that these Q&A's are based on the material in my books, and do not constitute psychotherapeutic or medical advice.

Wants to Help Boyfriend

     Dear Dr. Gibson: ​I am currently dating someone who recently discovered your book (ACOEIP) and is working through how these developmental impacts are affecting his life. I am also reading your book and am learning what he’s going through. He exhibits many qualities that are outlined in the text and they have been having some negative impacts on our relationship. I love him dearly and our relationship is so very important to me. I want to support him as he works through these issues and be a good partner to him as he grows. But emotional intimacy is difficult for us and he resists the idea that I can be a supportive partner going forward. Do you have any advice on how to support and love an adult child of emotionally immature parents while still ensuring your own needs are met? I am committed to supporting him, but he has so much doubt that I worry he will push me away. Thank you in advance. -- Wants to Help

     Dear Wants to Help: Your heart’s in the right place, isn’t it? You’re motivated by love and altruism in your hope for helping him. The fact that he is reading and processing things from his past is a major step toward a more satisfying relationship because emotional intimacy is impossible until we gain more familiarity with our own feelings. His growth process is apparently underway, as is yours. Growth and awareness can’t be rushed. If it feels like he is pushing you away, he may be telling you he's reached his intimacy limit for the moment. Trust his process by honoring him right where he is. As Tara Westover, author of Educated, has said, “Love doesn’t mean you can change someone.”

     Try staying in your own personal-growth lane and let him have his. Be careful about seeing yourself in the role of supportive partner. That sometimes means that you could be getting too focused on his problems instead of listening to your own feelings and building a richer life for yourself. It’s tempting to turn into a salesperson for a deeper relationship because it seems like such a good thing, but a successful sale only occurs when the other person wants it as much as you want to sell it.

     When trying to support someone, language is important so keep in mind that the male mind can interpret offers of “support” as code-speak for seeing him as “weak.” You can use more positive language such as “I’m on your side,” “It makes sense to me that you would feel that way,” and “I get it. I think you’re right.” Also, don’t forget that when a person is done talking – especially a male – they have gotten all they can absorb at the moment. Keep it short, give him room, and let him work at his own pace. Good technique for any relationship!