Answering Readers' Questions

5/1/2019

This forum selects interesting questions from readers to answer. If you would like to read additional questions submitted so far, go straight to the comments section. If you would like to ask a question of your own, please submit it by clicking on the comments section and post your inquiry. If selected for the blog, your question will be anonymous and may be paraphrased. Please be aware that these Q&A's are based on the material in my books, and do not constitute psychotherapeutic or medical advice.

Wants to Help Boyfriend

Dear Dr. Gibson: I am currently dating someone who recently discovered your book (ACOEIP) and is working through how these developmental impacts are affecting his life. I am also reading your book and am learning what he’s going through. He exhibits many qualities that are outlined in the text and they have been having some negative impacts on our relationship. I love him dearly and our relationship is so very important to me. I want to support him as he works through these issues and be a good partner to him as he grows. But emotional intimacy is difficult for us and he resists the idea that I can be a supportive partner going forward. Do you have any advice on how to support and love an adult child of emotionally immature parents while still ensuring your own needs are met? I am committed to supporting him, but he has so much doubt that I worry he will push me away. Thank you in advance. -- Wants to Help

Dear Wants to Help: Your heart’s in the right place, isn’t it? You’re motivated by love and altruism in your hope for helping him. The fact that he is reading and processing things from his past is a major step toward a more satisfying relationship because emotional intimacy is impossible until we gain more familiarity with our own feelings. His growth process is apparently underway, as is yours. Growth and awareness can’t be rushed. If it feels like he is pushing you away, he may be telling you he's reached his intimacy limit for the moment. Trust his process by honoring him right where he is. As Tara Westover, author of Educated, has said, “Love doesn’t mean you can change someone.”

Try staying in your own personal-growth lane and let him have his. Be careful about seeing yourself in the role of supportive partner. That sometimes means that you could be getting too focused on his problems instead of listening to your own feelings and building a richer life for yourself. It’s tempting to turn into a salesperson for a deeper relationship because it seems like such a good thing, but a successful sale only occurs when the other person wants it as much as you want to sell it.

When trying to support someone, language is important so keep in mind that the male mind can interpret offers of “support” as code-speak for seeing him as “weak.” You can use more positive language such as “I’m on your side,” “It makes sense to me that you would feel that way,” and “I get it. I think you’re right.” Also, don’t forget that when a person is done talking – especially a male – they have gotten all they can absorb at the moment. Keep it short, give him room, and let him work at his own pace. Good technique for any relationship!

47 Comments

5/7/2019 09:26:40 pm

Will there be an audiobook for the second book? If so, what is the release date?

Dr LINDSAY GIBSON

5/19/2019 01:52:43 pm

They are casting for the book reader now and the audiobook should be released in approximately 60-90 days.

Kim

5/12/2019 05:05:17 pm

My spouse and I both have EI parents. When we read your book, we saw our parents on every page. It was eye-opening. In order to protect ourselves and our children from their attacks and manipulation, we have had to cut them out of our lives completely. We truly could not see a way to keep our children safe and ourselves emotionally healthy while continuing to weather their abuse. It's difficult, but we hope that in doing so, we are enabling our children to grow up without guilt, shame, manipulation, and abuse. Any insight into recovering as a couple who have come from homes like this, and raising a family sheltered from the storm, would be greatly appreciated.

Hannah

6/4/2019 05:15:25 pm

Dear Dr. Gibson:

Both of your books have helped me more than any other resources about immature or narcissistic people, and I've read many, many resources.

I've had so many EI people in my life, but recently I was blindsided to realize a close friend of 45 years (I'm fifty) is emotionally immature, and she hurt me badly by not believing me about being abused by someone we both know even though she doesn't know the other person well. She blamed me instead. She's the opposite of a dramatic personality, so I just didn't have a reason to see her immaturity before.

I could feel more compassionately towards my former friend if I didn't feel like her immaturity causes her no real difficulties. It sounds like EI people like my friend have defenses that are way below their awareness, and my friend does seem perfectly happy with herself. However, some parts of your books seem to suggest there are some costs to EI people because of their immaturity, like being self-preoccupied.

So, here's my question: Are EI people significantly hampered in their lives, or do they get to mostly hurt others while feeling pretty good about themselves?

Thank you again for all of your work, which has resonated with me so deeply. My copies are pretty dog-eared.

Ben

6/6/2019 06:02:44 pm

Dear Dr. Gibson,

Thank you so much for writing these books. Both offered deep, invaluable insight into my parents and my childhood. I'd go into detail but--you literally wrote the book!

My question is this: I know that your second book offers a guide for healing while maintaining a relationship with your parents. I understand that it's hard to break away, but after about halfway through, I started to wonder--since EIPs are such a source of pain and harm, no matter how careful or well-guarded you are...why fight so hard to stay in the relationship? Any sense of distance or boundaries is going to trigger my parents into a hailstorm of abuse. Why would I continue to offer myself as a whipping boy for their projections and manipulations? I'm the oldest and garner the worst of their behavior--my younger brother has always been the favorite. Why would you recommend preserving the relationship?

Thank you so much for your time, for your books, and for answering reader questions directly. Your work is life-changing.

A Aboughazala

8/13/2019 06:15:41 pm

Dear Dr. Gibson,

I am a 32 years old person who just started reading your book Adult children for emotionally immature parents a month ago. while I was trying to find where it went wrong with me and how to avoid being wrong later on in my life. I am coming to you by myself knowing that I am an extranilizer person. I am a brother of an older intranalizer sister. Your description match what I feel and many of my doings. From running from the bad feelings, to being self centered instead of self neglect, to find the pain of emotions of self fight to be the end of world to avoid the panic by doing sudden decisions which is not my normal while working or studying. It is almost what my life is rotating around since my bad attitude with my parents to being an isolated adult finding excuses from fighting the self to being passive instead of toughing up.
I tried once in my high school to fight myself. It was a lot of effort and it is not easy task to be aware of myself. That kind of fight made me so strict and more harsh on myself that even my parents asked me that I am not thinking right. Although for a full year they have seen the difference in me and they have confirmed how matured I became, I even passed my interanalizer sister maturity. I was of help to all including her. I was taking the pain and not absorbing it converting it to solutions. But I totally broke down in a year.
It is a big fight inside and there is no way in the middle. It is either to do all right and neglect my faulty needs or keep the one day up and one day down and that is even more torturing than taking the full right routine life. The third case is to be an extranalizer and find excuses for my needs.
If its not for my intranlizer sister, I wouldn't have been who I am today, reading your book or even finding the courage to show my self to you whom was able to trigger my anger. My sister gave me all the love that you mentioned in your book.
I am pushing her to take care of herself but she is refusing seeing that I am doing a lot of good to her. I saw in your book that the effort with us is a waste and people should give up on extranalizers like me and keep the energy for working on their selves. That is why I am pushing my sister away. Do you have something more to say regarding this as still I have the question, do I deserve it? or I just should be harsh in pushing her focusing on her self looking for people who would appreciate her love and effort more than us (me and my parents.)

Karen

12/15/2020 01:56:44 pm

Dear A, I am an internalizer older sister of an externalizing younger brother. From what you say, your sister loves you and there is nothing like the love of a sister and brother. Don't push her away - I feel that there has been enough pushing away in our family dynamics. If she is helping you, love and accept that helping. She may be meeting some of her own needs (i.e. to heal others, to heal those who have been abused by EIPs) but that's fine. Older sisters often feel like they want to take care of their younger brothers and that has its upsides and downsides. As long as you feel she is helping you to understand and accept your true self, accept her interventions with love. You may not be able to reciprocate but know that in helping you, she is also helping herself. I wish you much love and healing in your relationships.

Tiff

8/21/2019 08:41:12 am

Dearest Dr Lindsay Gibson,

Firstly I want to thank you so incredibly much for your books on EIPs. I'm just starting the second book, but it's a process as I am currently back living with an EI parent.

I'm 35 years old. Back in November 2018 I agreed to stay with my mum while my dad could return to work. He had been "caring" for my mum the previous 2 years, but their relationship/marriage and the pressure of no income was impacting them both and in effect their adult children. So I the "dutiful" daughter offered to step in. Both parents had been telling me how they wanted to kill themselves which was of course deeply worrying. So I left my job and my home with my wonderful partner (who is now my fiance) nearly 10 months ago. In hindsight this was a very bad decision. But to give some insight I'll give a bit of a back story/description of both parents..

I had always known that my family was in many ways dysfunctional in it's form. But I couldn't believe how eerily (in a good way!), the depictions of EIP mirrored that of my parents.

My father is very much the passive parent. I actually looked up to him the most as a child, because he was always calm, fun and funny. He never used to get angry and always had a smile on his face. He worked overseas a lot (which he is doing again now), so was away sometimes 2 or 3 months at a time. I am realising sadly now as an adult how manipulative he can be... I don't like labels but he seems more and more like a covert narcissist.
I have stayed with my mum off and on since I was in my early 20s. Basically since I left home. My dad once asked if I could stay with mum for 5 days - it ended up being 5 weeks. I also stayed on another occasion for 6 weeks. Essentially I feel like I've had to step in for a long time now..

My mother is an Emotional Parent. Her presentation and history for want of a better way of putting it is complex. She had a traumatic childhood and an event nearly 9 years ago that she still believes (despite no medical evidence) was a stroke. Her GP at the time prescribed her benzodiazepines and other psych medications. She came off them nearly 5 years ago, but claims to suffer from acute protracted benzodiazepine withdrawal. I'm not discounting that. But I can't help but feel it is more past trauma and current health worries that are causing her difficulties.
She has seen countless medical professionals. Is currently seeing 2 therapists as well, yet nothing seems to help her for very long before she is distressed again.
She switches from being in this "child like" state to exhibiting anger. It's distressing for me to witness in truth and mentally and physically exhausting.
Since I've been staying with her NOTHING has changed. Other than what I feared and her growing dependence on me. She knows she is heavily codependent and I respect I have issues with that myself:
I have had troubled relationships in the past with two narcissistic men.
Whenever I try to tell either parent how I'm feeling and how a new plan needs to be made in order for me to return to my life and to make some general progress, I get shot down.
Mum is highly reactive to my sharing of my emotions and will cry and says she feels guilty. Or she gets angry if I show any emotion no matter how tentatively. Denies being able to do anything to get well. According to her she would be dead by killing herself had I not stepped in.
My dad either sticks his head in the sand or spits his dummy out. Says he will quit his job or he may as well kill himself. Tells me he feels hopeless and has made plans in the past to end his life!?

Sorry to be so blunt, but wtf!? I know I need to set boundaries and I know I need to break free of this. But I worry about the repercussions and the guilt even though I know this situation is so toxic.
I am now seeing a counsellor myself and had my first session last week. She suggested I should pack my bags and leave that very evening. But I know I'm not ready or strong enough to do anything so drastic.

I really don't know what to do? I have got myself in to such a difficult situation. It is really starting to impact my wellbeing and I want my life back.
I accept my parents for who they are, but their selfish demands have broken me down and I don't know whether to just up and leave or not. I keep asking for them to figure out a different plan as this isn't working. But of course it's fulfilling their needs to some extent..

Sorry to jump from so many thoughts, but my clear question is: "how do you get free from EIPs while placed in a caring role?" I know I made the decision to help them both. But it isn't working. It won't fix their marriage or issues. Just so hard to break away and try to live my own life.

Elif Gursoy Bochud

12/5/2019 08:09:58 am

Hello Dr Gibson,

I am reading thru your book adult childern for emotionally immature parents and as I read by more and more feel like having a therapy with you. How can I get an appointment with you.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,
Elif

anonymous

2/21/2020 10:51:42 am

I just want to thank you so much for your book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. I chose to break contact with a parent, but have been dragging around an anvil of guilt about that decision for years. Every interaction with that parent since my decision has reopened the wound, but also has served as a reminder that this parent is still choosing every path except real change.

Your book helped me see that parent in the light. My decision was not the result of an inability to be the bigger person, it was a mature decision—that revelation removed the anvil. I can view my parent with compassion—the tools for change just do not exist inside of a child who became an externalizer, or at least they do not exist inside my parent. But I am free to express emotions and love for my own kids, without the weight of parental thought police killing my own joy.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Diane C

3/10/2020 05:00:33 pm

Dear Dr. Gibson,

I’ve only recently learned that I have EI/toxic parents, and with that, a boatload of mental health issues. I’m 37 years old, and I’m not sure who I am.

I am getting married in May and changed the location of my wedding from where we live (Nebraska), to where my future in-laws live (Arizona), because I was stressed, it was gorgeous there, cheaper, and his parents are so much more supportive than mine. I had always wanted a destination wedding, and this was my chance to do it on the cheap.

My parents didn’t see it that way. To them, I was running away from them and taking the wedding with me. They began guilt tripping me (after all we’ve done for you, you’re fiancé ruined everything, you must really hate us to do this to us). I stopped responding to the texts and phone calls because they were just making me feel terrible and using my words against me. They took away the $ they had promised for my wedding/new house, stated they will not come to the wedding and are keeping the dress the bought for me.

I have been going to counseling and since purchased a new dress, but I’m stuck in fight or flight. I’ve been no contact with them for a couple of months now. I’m going in debt paying for a wedding, and I feel incredibly fearful of my parents and I can feel it physically. I can’t relax, and I don’t sleep well.

I spent my whole life trying to be the perfect child my parents wanted me to be, and now I’m having trouble figuring out who I want me to be and how to love myself.

How do I learn to stop feeling the shame and anxiety that physically hurts so much?

Thank you.

Betty

3/14/2020 11:41:04 am

Good morning Dr. Gibson,
I found both your "adult children of EI parents" and "recovering from EI parents" books recently. They have been so validating. Although this process has been painful to face at times (both my parents are EI), it has been liberating and hopeful as well. At this time, my husband and I are going through a difficult season. He is more of an externalizer (both his parents are EI as well), while I am an internalizer. I am wondering about where we can get more information about externalizers. The many chapters about internalizers have been so validating to me, and I would love for him to have a resource like that for his coping style as well. Thanks.

Anon

3/26/2020 12:22:48 pm

Hi Dr. Gibson, thank you for your fabulous book, “Adult children of emotionally immature parents.” It was painful to read, but I felt truly seen for the for the first time in my life.

My mother is materially very generous, to the point where everyone tells her she’s a saint. But for me, growing up with her was emotionally lonely; she wouldn’t give me what I truly sought. She’s the passive parent type I believe.

I love your book’s suggestions for how to cope now as an adult; I employ them, privately. My question is, what would you tell a memoirist? I am writing an honest (and hopefully not bludgeoning) account of a few themes of my life, the search for maternal intimacy being the main one.

Should I have my mom read the pages for the first time in the presence of a psychologist with me? How do I “cope” when I must bring some of this into the light in order to live my own professional life? What is the respectful yet realistic way to bring this up to my mom, even if I don’t think it will change her, but just to cover my bases so I don’t look overly cruel? Thank you for any advice! God bless.

Isabelle

4/25/2020 05:30:22 pm

Hi Dr. Gibson,
I just finished reading your book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, after my therapist suggest I look into the subject. It really hit home and I will reread it because there is too much to assimilate in one read!
One question kept popping into my mind as I was reading. I hoped you would adress it in the book. When you didn't, I thought it might just be the afterthought of an adult child of emotionally immature parents 😊
So out of personal interest: having been raised by 2 emotionally immature parents, do I have the same wiring when it comes to my own child? I know I am internalizing to a degree but I sometimes feel that my struggle with self-worth and loneliness will adversely affect her. I work at having self-compassion and wonder what I am inadvertently carrying down to my daughter.
Would love to have your thoughts on this.
Regards,

Cathy T.

5/17/2020 05:20:03 pm

Dr. Gibson,

I want to start by saying that I have never been so incredibly enlightened, or personally validated by any reading as I was with 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents'. This book has been a 'game-changer' for me. Thank you!

And because I so highly respect your knowledge and insight, I'm reaching out to ask if you would kindly recommend a book that deals with working through deeply ingrained GRIEF and RAGE caused by an abusive childhood? Grief of who I could have been, etc., and the rage that others' (criminal!) behaviour did not, nor ever will, meet with one single consequence.

I eagerly await your reply.

Thank you.

Chris

6/20/2020 10:35:01 am

Dear Dr. Gibson,

This is Chris here from Singapore. I am simply blown away by your book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents". It opened my eyes to better understand the behaviors of myself and people around me. It also helps me to manage my expectations in relationships, and think carefully about how I can grow in emotional maturity, for the sake of my kids and future generations. I have some concerns listed below relevant to my own life, and sincerely hope that you can enlighten me with your insights and experience.

1. Just like externalization and internalization exist along a continuous spectrum, instead of being binary, do you think that emotional maturity should be along a spectrum as well, from emotional intimacy on one end to emotional enmeshment on the other end, instead of being binary - emotionally mature vs emotionally immature people?
2. Since safety lies in familiarity, is it possible for a person who grows up in an environment filled with less emotionally mature people, to become more emotionally mature, especially when these people are close family members whom the person can't stay away from? How to prevent emotional enmeshment in this situation? How to remain emotionally different from the people around you, while maintaining emotional peace? What are some push or pull factors that can motivate the person to work towards becoming more emotionally mature? Sudden tragedy or crisis? Spiritual support?
3. Since safety lies in familiarity, it is natural for someone who grew up with a less emotionally mature parent or sibling, to find a less emotionally mature spouse in future to fulfil his/her healing fantasy. Is it possible for the person to go the other way - finding a very emotionally mature spouse to avoid the same trauma of staying with a less emotionally mature parent or sibling since childhood? If yes, are externalizers more inclined towards the former, while internalizers are more inclined towards the latter?
4. Adults who are emotionally drained from their relationships with their less emotionally mature parents, may be discouraged from pursuing new relationships, due to their previous bad experiences with their parents in terms of abandonment and burden. How do we encourage them to take a step forward, to believe and enter into new relationships with courage?
5. Low emotional maturity can be passed down from generation to generation, like a generational curse. How do we break this vicious cycle? Will the first person who want to break this cycle always suffer persecution from family members?
6. It is interesting to note that a grandparent can experience strong emotional connection with his/her grandchildren, although he/she can't experience the same with his/her own kids. If emotional maturity is strongly dependent on personality type which is typically unchanged throughout life, why is this happening? How does the desire to connect with a specific individual like a grandchild come into play to temporarily overwrite behavior tendencies due to emotional immaturity?
7. The ability for less emotionally mature people to become more emotionally mature depends on their ability to self-reflect, which in turn depends on personality type. Is this ability to self-reflect dependent on age too? Will a person who refuses to change becomes more stubborn as he/she gets older, or suddenly start to self-reflect at an old age? What are some factors that can influence this?
8. Since externalizers are generally less emotionally mature than internalizers, leading to negative consequences in their lives, what are some good techniques for externalizers to better manage their lives?
9. If people with similar emotional maturity levels tend to be attracted to one another, while more emotionally mature internalizers tend to have less emotionally mature externalizers as siblings or spouse, how do we reconcile the two? Does kinship or marriage force the parties to stay together, in spite of incompatibility?
10. Are externalizers typically introverts, if they lack empathy and thus, social skills as well? Are internalizers typically introverts too?
11. Does a sustained lack of emotional connection in the long-term lead to a sudden drastic change in a person at some point, like a mid-life crisis? If yes, is it a change of personality from the inside, or just a change of behavior on the surface? Will internalizers suddenly become externalizers? What about the other way round?
12. Given their personality, it can be difficult for externalizers to stay observational towards detaching from emotional enmeshment, and they may not be motivated to do so in the first place. How can they better manage and motivate themselves in this context?
13. It is interesting to note that the aim behind parents' complaining isn't necessarily to feel better. Why is this so?
14. Are left-brained individuals more prone to emotional immaturity than right-brained individuals, since internalized parental voices originate in the left

7/20/2020 02:50:02 pm

Hello Dr. Gibson, I just finished reading your book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" for the third time and it has had such a profound impact on the way that I see myself. I now know that the ways that my parents interact with me in harsh, unsatisfying, and emotionally distant ways, aren't actually a reflection of my own failures— rather, their own emotional immaturity. I'm starting to become more emotionally mature and figure out who I am and I am so grateful for you and your book for enabling me to grow in these ways.

I just had to move back in with my parents because my university moved classes online and we don't have enough money for me to live on campus anymore anyways. However, I have been living on campus with my best friends for the past four years who are empathetic, intentional, caring, emotionally available, enjoy spending time with me, and who make me feel genuinely loved. Now that I have to live at home with my parents and I can't visit my friends anymore, the emotional loneliness of my house has been really getting to me. My mom is a mix of an emotional and rejecting parent and my dad is a passive parent. My mom and I keep getting into fights about money, what I'm allowed to do, and my freedoms. I am currently in grad school and have been living on my own for a while so now adjusting to living in a home where my mom is constantly trying to control me is so frustrating and exhausting. Anytime I bring up issues like this with her, she either gets mad, defensive, and blames me or she just starts crying and panicking that I'm going to leave her. We don't have a real relationship and so for me, it doesn't seem like much that I would be leaving behind if I chose to not have a relationship with her but I could never tell her that because she would have a breakdown. It is also hard for me to want to have a better relationship with them because spending time with them just involves me listening to their stories and their never-ending complaints. There are rarely ever questions about my life or an interest in hearing stories from me. Any time I express emotion of any kind, I am shut down and told that I am being dramatic and having a temper tantrum. When I try to bring up that I felt shut down or not listened to, they deny doing that and they say that I was not having enough empathy for them or listening to them enough, as if their feelings are not allowed because that means they would have to take responsibility for hurting me.

How do I apply the techniques from your book for dealing with emotionally immature parents when I am living under their roof and they think that gives them the right to control me? How do I deal with the emotional loneliness that comes from living here, especially because I can't just go spend time with my best friends/ support system? How do I express myself and let go of expectations for their response when I have to deal with their emotional states any time I leave my bedroom? How do I deal with their irritation and confusion that I'm not just going along with the role-self anymore?

I want to be able to break this cycle and become more self-reflective and emotionally mature but it is so difficult when I feel like I am trapped in this hopeless situation with my parents. I would greatly appreciate any advice you have for me. Thank you so much.

Alex

7/26/2020 03:18:09 pm

Dear Dr. Gibson.

I loved your book. It opened my eyes to a bunch of things that I could not understand with relation to my dad. I always thought I was broken or a scew up despite excelling at my work and studies.

I did have one question though. What causes the immature parent to accuse you of lying about everything? I do some high level projects and my father repeatidly says "You couldn't do that" or "Dont exagerate, you dont know how to do that"

I even created a website documenting my projects so I could prove to myself that I knew what I was doing and he still thinks I make things up. Its sad :(

10/14/2020 04:26:43 am

Dear Dr Gibson
Yet again I pick up your book after a brief visit to my parents leaves me feeling raw and broken. Your book helps so much and I have just ordered the sequel to 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents’. I am 52 and I am only just beginning to understand why I have felt this way for as long as I can remember. I frequently drop into a very dark, unresponsive place which feels like a deep depression but the duration can vary. I was diagnosed with ME/CFS aged 40 but I was not convinced by the diagnoses and in the last few years I have read about emotional neglect. I have grown up feeling responsible for my mothers emotions whilst living with an alcohol dependant father. In recent years my brother has also been struggling with alcoholism. This has had a huge impact on my quality of life.
With regards to the book I find that it all makes so much sense but I find it so difficult to put into practice. A short visit can leave me a quivering, tearful wreck even though nothing seemed amiss during the visit. It feels so deep rooted I don't know how to shift it. I have such strong anger towards them and then absolute guilt for feeling that way and shame for not being able to act normally and get on with my life. I am fortunate to have a very supportive, emotionally mature partner who has taught me so much about love and relationships but I am so weary from the baggage with my family.
I look forward to reading the sequel and taking another step forward on this journey.
Thank you

12/15/2020 02:08:36 pm

Dear Dr Gibson,
I am reading your book ACoEIP and I identify as an internalizer. However, I was not highly sensitive and attuned to my parents' emotional needs. I did the opposite. I completely cut myself from my own emotional needs and those of everyone around me. Is this a common pattern? Many thanks.

David

2/13/2021 08:41:57 am

Hello Dr. Gibson,
First off, I wanted to thank you for your book on ACEIP. It has been a breathe of fresh air, and is helping me to finally get a grip on the my experience of a emotional father, passive mother & the effects on me as an internalizer.

I was wondering what some of your advice is on how to handle some of the situations where an adult child chooses not to have their EIPs involved in their life & when this comes to a head-on-crash with “societal norms” where many people have pre-conceived notions of how things “should” look or “should” be. More specially, my question is around family holidays & weddings. My same sex partner and I recently got engaged & plan to marry in the next ~1 year. I don’t plan to have my parents at the wedding. Societal norms put a lot of pressure on these situations (Eg, a parent walking their son/daughter down the aisle, etc). I’m curious regarding any advice you have on how an ACEIP handles these situations? As I still grapple with trying to make inner peace with growing up in such a emotionally-deprived way, how can someone like me handle the situations of raised eyebrows & prying questions as to “where is your family at the wedding?”, “why aren’t they here?”. Some of the attendees are complete strangers to me (friends of my partner), and I feel like I don’t owe an explanation, but if my partner & I can come up with some agreed upon tag lines / language to handle these questions, I think it would make the day go more smoothly. Do you have any advice on where to start with finding language that pushes back against these hard set societal norms?

Thanks very much for any advice you have & Thank you again for your work!

Robert

4/4/2021 09:43:29 am

What is the recommended minimum age of the reader? In other words, at what age do you recommend someone to learn about their parents emotional maturity and how to deal with it?

R.J. Dundas

5/3/2021 09:08:50 am

Would like to advertise your website and books on a FB page called The Secret of Change. Please review the pages content and advise of your permission or not. Thank you.

Fi OJ

5/14/2021 05:28:05 am

Dear Dr. Gibson,

I am in the process of reading your recovery book and find it incredibly helpful - it's the first time I've felt 'heard' in my situation however I wanted to get your views on a complex dynamic I find myself in which makes the tools you provide in your books really difficult to employ. My father is an EI parent and have always suffered with extreme manic depression, suicidal episodes, alcohol abuse and prior to a terminal cancer diagnosis - was in a fully obsessive episode with his ex wife for the best part of 15 years (i.e. my whole childhood). I've been sucked into a really dysfunctional ERS since being a young girl - acting as therapist, pseudo-spouse and home keeper, but with none of the authority to be able to make any changes. My own mental health is really struggling and I know I am neglecting my own life to prioritise my father... since the pandemic I have been trying so hard to create distance, enforce boundaries, detach and resist his manipulations where he will go so far as to say he would consider suicide without me...

He is now in the late stages of his cancer diagnosis and his health is ailing - he is becoming more and more needy and demanding of my time and support with no thought about what I can cope with. I have tried to initiate professional care but he blows his lid at the idea of it, even when I'm saying out straight that I need more help - I can't go on as I have been as the situation is completely engulfing my life, but I'm finding it near impossible to navigate legitimate reasons to support him (i.e. around his health) in contrast to what is just his EI playing up (i.e. if he's feeling vulnerable and wants me there for emotional support - which would mean me basically doing the therapist role and putting hours aside to console someone who is suicidal) I know he is very unwell mentally and physically - but I'm not the kind of person who can easily refuse someone who is in crisis. I'm just feeling completely confused, trapped in the situation and although your books have been amazingly helpful, the situation feels almost too dire/extreme to breakout of with these tools. If he wasn't physically ill I would have cut contact with him but how can I do that so someone who is on deaths door?

Darren

6/2/2021 01:33:17 pm

I am what is called a Highly Sensitive Person and also a male. Life has not been easy merging the two in today's society. Many times I have to keep my sensitivity hidden. The part of your book that struck me the most was about healing fantasies/role self. I did the exercise and narrowed it down to (healing fantasy - I wish people would be more self aware of others like myself that are sensitive) (role self- i adapt to others perceived emotions) This has been going on since childhood and the two causes lots of stress. I know I'm asking too much of the world to cater to me and I am stressing myself out and feeling resentful always having the urge to caretake. How do I get off of this roller coaster without feeling like a selfish person.

Tristin

7/16/2021 08:31:11 pm

Hello Dr. Gibson,

I found your book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" (amazing and insightful) in hopes of better understanding my partner and her experience growing up in a household with 2 EIPs. Having read your book I found a great amount of understanding of the way she might think and feel and why she acts the way she does. However, I found that I am still missing a competent: how to support and accommodate her in a healthy and mutually gratifying way. I was wondering if you had any recommendations on books or resources for how to be a good partner to an adult child of EIPs. Any resources or advice would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you.

Dr LINDSAY GIBSON link

7/17/2021 02:40:16 pm

Hello Tristan,
Your partner is fortunate to have someone who is willing to try to understand her childhood and experiences with the EIPs in her life. The fact that you have read the book in order to understand her better really says a lot about your dedication and empathy for her. Next you might try the book on couples, Hold Me Tight, by Sue Johnson. It's a classic and she's one of the most well known couples therapists in the world. She really gets below the surface and deals with the emotional attachment issues that are so important. Hope it's a help to you and your partner. Thanks for writing! My very best wishes, Lindsay Gibson.

Worried mom

7/27/2021 03:14:10 pm

I read your book Adult children of emotionally immature parents and i found myself cringing many times and thinking abouty husband. It resonated a lot with me. My son is 16 and seems to sense these issues too. Would you have a recommendation for younger children or of a similar work but refering to younger children (not yet adult). Thank you.

Kimberly

8/16/2021 11:30:58 pm

Dr. Gibson,

Can you expand on what psychological perspective you were using when writing the book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Adults? I was discussing this with a friend and the conversation came up about there being different perspectives. (cognitive, behavioral, etc.)

8/19/2021 08:58:26 pm

Please tell me how to live with my emotionally immature husband. We both had emotionally immature parents (and they're still that way). I've come to peace with my parents' limitations, but he still insists on viewing his as wonderful, loving, caring people, even though from time to time he'll assent to evidence to the contrary. I've spent two decades trying to be wife and mother to him, and I'm exhausted. We've been in therapy, I've been in therapy on my own; nothing seems to make any difference in his emotional growth. Do I just accept that he may always be emotionally stunted, and find emotional nourishment from my friends and faith? Live with him as a roommate? (I'm not able at this point to be intimate with someone so incapable of empathy). Thanks.

Shelly

10/14/2021 02:50:19 pm

Dear Dr Gibson,

I would like to thank you for creating a book that described details of a lived experince that I could not put into words. Attending counsilling sessions I knew my mother was not emotionally avaliable, but I did not understand the reprocussions or put them into words once I understood them. Your first book really helped to validate how I feel and I no longer feel like i am fabricating issues. I am only on chapter 3 of your first book and I amazed at the amount of times I can see my parents behaviour!

I am truley greateful for this comments page as I can read your replies, as I have similar issues and your advice is very helpful.

Thank you again for what feel like a path to a new lease of life with inner peace.

Annalise

2/6/2022 10:04:20 am

Dear Dr. Gibson, In an increasingly globalized world, I stumbled upon your books in an attempt to reconcile my east asian upbringing and family values, with my ideals and identity as 100% westernized. The detachment and prioritization of my own needs is not only going against my family, but an entire culture with thousands of years of data that supports the ideal of “family above all”.

What advice do you have or recommendations for further reading to understand achieving functional family dynamics and self-esteem in eastern culture? Thank you very much.

Lindsay Carter Gibson

2/6/2022 04:30:49 pm

Hello Analise, This is an excellent question! I wish I had the research to help you with this, but I'm sure you could pursue this on your own and do quite well. In my limited experience, in most cultures the idea of family-above-all goes back for millenia. It was probably very adaptive when survival was the primary concern (safety in numbers.) But we are now moving to higher levels on the hierarchy of needs, and these social mandates are being questioned in favor of more self-realization all over the world. Good luck to you in your quest. All best wishes, Dr. Gibson

Sunny G.

2/19/2022 06:18:33 pm

I am a parent of two grown up kids, one who is 23 has a nice job and other is in college. I am well to do, took care of my kids well, given all facilities but didn't spend time with them and involved in their lives as they always say that I was busy in my own world. Now they r grown up keep the grudge and almost no emotional or social relationship. Staying in same(my) house working from home, it is an opportunity to build it, as a friend again forgetting the past but looks like they are not much interested and I feel begging will not help as I have seen my father back in my country given me everything, educated me but didn't given me emotional involvement and I always thank him as I feel father's job is to take care of family financially.
Is there way anything can be done now to improve?

3/7/2022 08:46:53 am

Hello Sunny, Thank you for your heartfelt question. You can't guarantee that your efforts will lead to better relationships with your adult children, but the fact that you want to try is a gift to both you and them. I would recommend that you invite them to have a cup of coffee or small lunch in a neutral place, just an hour or so. Tell them you are happy to see them,;at the end tell them how enjoyable it was to be with them -- but no sadness or regret. Take responsibility for not being there in the past for them emotionally but tell them you've realized a lot about what they may have missed and why you were that way. You can expand on that ONLY if they ask. The point is to apologize, show interest in what they're doing (prepare questions so you're ready in advance) and listen, listen, listen. This is not a time to defend yourself or seek understanding, but to apologize, tell them they mean the world to you, and listen carefully and nondefensively to whatever they have to say. You may feel wronged or misunderstood in the conversation. That's okay and normal. Just don't become defensive or angry. At the end, let them know that you've taken it all in and will be thinking about it a lot. Ask them if they might be willing to get together another time, but no pressure. This is not the time for you to talk about you (unless asked) but a time for you to listen to them. It may be painful, but could be the beginning of a new adult relationship with them! Short visits in which you show interest in listening to them are the best remedy. You may have to be the active one in suggesting contact, which may be hard for you, but start slow and see what you may be able to build with them. Good luck, Sunny! Dr. Gibson

Cody Hanson

5/2/2022 07:19:51 pm

Dr Gibson, I'm married to an EI person. Do you have any books or articles for spouses of an EI person?

Alison C

7/21/2022 04:28:21 pm

Hi Dr. Gibson.

I just finished reading ACOEIP, and found your descriptions of emotionally immature parents to be right on target. There's a difference in my parents, however, that makes me unsure how to apply your advice.

They have always been very involved in my life and responsive to my needs. But they are becoming insecure in their old age, and are asking too much of me--wanting to be with me too much, giving too much bad and unsolicited advice, talking obsessing about various topics that upset me, being insulted if I express that I don't want to hear it anymore, and then complaining that they can't talk openly like we used to.

Their lack of emotional maturity is making it hard to have a satisfying relationship for all the reasons you discuss in the book. But unlike your core readers who want MORE from their parents, I want LESS. It feels strange (and cold) to say that given the warm, loving relationship we used to have. But I recognize that they have changed a lot in old age and I don't think the emotional connection we once had is possible anymore. All that's left are their unrealistic expectations which have become way too draining for me.

If I could just be honest with them (like I used to), I'd tell them how I'm feeling, explain that we don't seem to be relating at the same emotional or intellectual level. But of course, they wouldn't understand that and it would be hurtful.

There was a point at which I saw clearly that the kinds of conversations we used to engage in would always wind up feeling pointless and frustrating. So, I made a conscious choice to let go of trying to have rational conversations to get us to see eye-to-eye. I decided instead to just experiment with simply accepting them as they are today and being loving toward them. The problem is they can feel that I don't talk freely with them and they feel shut out. That is one of their big complaints. I feel caught between making them happy and keeping myself sane.

Do you have any advice for me?

Thank you!!!

Eliz F

9/22/2022 02:25:30 pm

Hi Alison,
I think I'm in a similar situation with my mom...wondering if anything has worked yet for you?
Thanks,
E

Alison Campbell

9/22/2022 09:26:56 pm

I'm still working on it. I'm still taking a break from my parents, but have been doing a ton of internal work and have had a few sessions with a therapist. We're going to meet all together next week.

In the meantime, as my own work, I've done TONS of journaling. Every imaginary conversation has been written down. I don't want to share any words with them until what's coming forward is transformed into a loving message and I don't think I'm there yet.

My therapist's guideline for when we do speak is "Stroke - kick - stroke." That way the difficult things that I'd like to be change can be heard in a more loving context.

He also suggested that I let my parents know that it's important to me that we are close but that we need to find DIFFERENT things to connect on because the things they're trying to force on me are only creating a deeper divide.

I hope that's somewhat helpful. Maybe I'll have more useful comments when I get further along in my process.

Good luck to you and hang in there! You're not alone!!!

9/22/2022 09:31:57 am

Hello Dr. Gibson,

First of all, thank you for your work - life changing! My question is similar to Alison C post on 7/22.

I'm a 40 yo married mother of two. I have an older brother. He is a textbook externalizer and I'm the internalizer. I have little contact with my narcissistic father, which is fine. My main challenge now is my mom.
I've been doing counseling, again, and recently read your book and realized she is an EIP. She's always thought we were 'close'. Our challenges have become increasingly difficult in my adult years as she bulldozes boundaries. Our relationship is also very one-sided as she looks to me for primary emotional support.
I no longer want to play that role and want a balanced, adult relationship, but she continues to put me in a child box. At this point, I just about want to cutoff relationship, but she keeps pushing for reconciliation and understanding. I've told her we're not on the same page, but she just keeps pushing. Basically, nothing I say goes well. Any advice to pull away?
Thank you and many blessings to you!

11/18/2022 05:47:25 am

Dear Dr. Gibson,

I have three books from you. They help me a lot to deal with my immature mother, and understand my immature father.

I am not living in a country, where english is the speech language.
Here two of the books are only in english available. But I have a friend, who is not able to understand books in english. My question is, am I allowed to translate your books in other languages? It would be grat, if other people vould take advance of your books too.

Kind regards and many thanks from my deepen heart for these wonderful books.

G.

Lindsay C Gibson

11/18/2022 09:45:03 am

Hello G.,
Thanks for writing. I'm so glad the books have been helpful!I don't know which country you're in, but any questions about translation rights (to sell the books translated into your language) would have to be negotiated with the Foreign Rights department at New Harbinger Publications. I have nothing to do with that, since they are responsible for all translation and foreign publishing matters. You could ask them for permission for anything you have in mind.
All best,
Dr. Gibson

11/18/2022 04:36:46 pm

Hello Dr. Lindsay,

thank you for the information. I will ask there.

Yes, your book help me a lot. I am reading it again and again. At first I could not find the immature in my mother, but she was so confusing to me and I was afraid and depressed after the contact with her. I visit her today and she didn't saw me, and everything I said could make her nervous. In the past it could make me desperate and resentful, but during reading your books, I could accept that I can never heal her and she is immature. So I said to me, stay by yoursref, let go. It is a little bit exhausting, but I let my family go from the podest an feel more self-cobtained. I have many attributes from my role-self, but I am confident, that my real-self will more and more get stronger.

What I am thankful for ist, that you wrote your books in such a language, that I can accept my mothrr how she is, without hate or trauma. I know my mother would never love me in a healthy way and will never see me, but I love her and can make a adult connection on my way.

Best regards,
G.

11/18/2022 04:39:35 pm

Sorry, I am not sure, bu I think I wrote Dr. Lindsay. I meant Dr. Gibson.

Susan McKenzie

12/12/2022 04:19:57 pm

ACOEIP has been a game changer for me. Thank you so much! My question is, what can I do next with changing the pattern? I was a passive parent. His father was rejecting. My son is 21 and still lives with me. He gives too much, needs approval from others too much, doesn’t trust me. All of this makes sense. Now that I feel so much freedom from my past and am healing quickly, I want to pass this joy freedom and confidence on to him but I don’t know how. What do emotionally mature parents do for their kids that I could try that helps kids develop security and confidence?

Ashley

2/2/2023 12:23:05 am

Dr. Gibson,

I couldn’t find any other method of contact & I promised someone close to me that I’d find a way to contact you to let you know how much your books have impacted me. I finished both books regarding emotionally immature parents and it made me feel validated in ways that I didn’t know I needed. They truly helped me understand my parents better but most of all myself. I guess I’m just trying to say thanks. Your books helped in ways I didn’t know were possible.

Best,
Ashley

Larry

3/24/2023 11:00:06 am

I regret to inform you that your book, _Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents_, has been uploaded to archive.org. I am mostly out of the loop regarding the recent controversy involving archive.org, and I certainly don't know where you stand, but I know that I stand with authors, and this just seems like straight-up piracy.

Reddit post: https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/11zkh06/comment/jddgo21

FWIW, searching archive.org finds two other instances of your book there as well.

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