Dear Dr. Gibson,

How do I know if it's best to cut off contact with emotionally Immature parents?

Dear Reader,

The question is: how do you know if it might be best to cut off contact with emotionally immature parents?
 
It’s best to cut contact with emotionally immature parents (EIPs) when you feel like you’ve had all you want to take. Not all you can take, but all you want to take. If you’ve been taught to question or be ashamed of your true feelings, it may be hard to know when you’ve had enough of somebody. Especially if that somebody thinks it’s your job to make them feel more secure and comfortable. But you do have the right to stop contact whenever you feel like you need a break. And it’s solely up to you when – if ever – you feel like attempting a connection again. (Check out the Bill of Rights at the end of Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents if you want help to get in a self-preserving mindset about this.)
 
You have the right to set a limit or disengage when someone is subtracting more energy than you want to give. Breaking off contact for a while (maybe much longer) is not a moral issue, and you can never be a bad person because you find someone too unpleasant, draining, or disturbing to be around. As an adult, you have the right to your preferences and your self-preservation. You are entitled to define your limits.
 
Some signs that a break might be needed are when:
1) the person is emotionally or physically harmful (rude, snide, argumentative, disdainful, disrespectful, defies your requests, critical, tells you what to do, hits your kids, etc.);
2) you have your own life challenges and the EIP is making your life harder, not easier;
3) you are going through a difficult life transition (new baby, divorce, moving, new job) and need to cocoon for a while;
4) you have a health issue and more stress will make you feel worse;
5) you are trying to understand yourself and need some private time to get perspective;
6) people you love (children, partners, friends) don’t want to be around the EIP and neither do you.
 
Sometimes, instead of a total cutoff, setting limits and asking for room are all that’s needed, But EIPs often make even small requests for space painfully guilt-inducing. They don’t seem to realize that giving up some of their control might make you want to be around them more. Ask for what you need and stick to your limits, but if they disregard your requests and you don’t like being around them, tell them you will be out of touch for a while because you need some time to yourself. You don’t have to explain. You just say what you need, what you’re going to do, and repeat as needed. Going forward, you decide when and if you want to resume contact, but you stay in charge of that. Always tune into yourself first and you will know when they’re dragging you down and you need to step away.

Dear Dr. Gibson,
 
Have you noticed any correlations between adult children of emotionally immature parents (ACEIPs) and leaving their mental health professional(s) stumped and/or unable to help them? If so, what suggestions would you provide for the individuals?
 
Dear Reader,
 
Internalizer ACEIPs appear to be handling things better than they really are. They typically don’t show the debilitating symptoms or dramatic acting out of some psychotherapy clients. Their distress comes more from a disconnection from the self, chronic self-criticism, and difficulties in expressing boundaries. They feel emotionally lonely yet find it hard to reach out for help or let people know what they need.
 
When starting therapy, ACEIPs should alert their therapists that they minimize their distress and need help taking their feelings completely seriously. It helps to let the therapist know that they have already have good insight, can put things in perspective, and think rationally about their feelings. But what they need help with is exploring who they really are, untangling guilt and self-doubt, and getting to the bottom of their true feelings, no matter how confusing these may be. Otherwise, the therapist is likely to see them as much more capable than they really feel.
 
Different therapies are helpful for different issues. Therapies that focus on evidence-based techniques for specific symptoms may not be the best for addressing the broader emotional injuries which can arise from a childhood with emotionally immature parents. Instead, the ACEIP may feel better served by more emotionally-oriented and existential therapies.
 
Many people benefit from therapies that emphasize symptom-relief and life skills. Indeed, much of our popular psychological training emphasizes these therapeutic approaches. But ACEIPs need to find a therapist who understands the particular issues of growing up with emotionally immature parents. Therapists help most who understand the underlying distress of chronic invalidation in high-functioning ACEIPs and are not distracted by their surface competence. ACEIPs benefit most from an attachment-informed therapy that can work through deeper emotional issues to develop self-acceptance and self-connection. In addition to working with therapists familiar with ACEIP issues, my favorite therapy approaches that get at the deeper emotional complexities of the whole person are Internal Family Systems (IFS), Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP), and Bruce Ecker’s Coherence Therapy.

Dear Dr. Gibson, 
Could you would kindly recommend a book that deals with working through deeply ingrained GRIEF and RAGE caused by an abusive childhood? Grief of who I could have been, etc., and the rage that others' (criminal!) behaviour did not, nor ever will, meet with one single consequence.


Dear Reader,
First of all, I am so sorry that you, the innocent child that you were, have had to suffer through that. Your grief and rage, however, signify that you are not compounding your injuries by blaming yourself. I feel hopeful for your recovery because you are bravely looking at all that happened and seeing it's impact and longer range effects on your life.

I don't have a particular favorite book on that topic, but Alice Miller's books are immensely validating to the child's experience. Also, writing out your feelings can be enormously helpful (including letters to abusers that you never have to send, as well as privately speaking out loud:  1) what you would like them to hear and "get" at long last, and 2) how you intend to live your life differently from now on in spite of their past abuse. Writing and speaking out loud can move feelings through your thinking brain in a way that helps integrate and calm them.

I hope that you will consider psychotherapy to continue doing this working through, since the feelings are so powerful. Also, since so much of abuse happens in secrecy, without comfort from others, it is most helpful to talk about your feelings -- especially any shame, grief, or rage -- to someone who can help you get these legitimate feelings out and accept them as the natural aftermath of being treated so badly. Allow yourself to cry, grieve, and hate, but once you have gotten to the bottom of the barrel of your worst feelings, your job is not to ever forget, but to make the abuse into something that happened to you, but never defined you. 

As for abusers' consequences, they live every day in such a diminished, distorted, and emotionally isolated state that they never experience true emotional intimacy with others, joy, or self-realization. With your honest and consciously felt emotions, you possess a precious inner life that they're ironclad defenses will never allow them to experience.

Best wishes,
Dr. Gibson

Dear Dr. Gibson:
My spouse and I both have EI parents. When we read your book, we saw our parents on every page. It was eye-opening. In order to protect ourselves and our children from their attacks and manipulation, we have had to cut them out of our lives completely. We truly could not see a way to keep our children safe and ourselves emotionally healthy while continuing to weather their abuse. It's difficult, but we hope that in doing so, we are enabling our children to grow up without guilt, shame, manipulation, and abuse. Any insight into recovering as a couple who have come from homes like this, and raising a family sheltered from the storm, would be greatly appreciated.

-- Trying to Do What’s Best
 
Dear Trying to Do What’s Best,
 
Your awareness of your issues with your parents means that you are well on your way. EI parents distort reality so frequently that it is a huge step forward to see what they are doing and their effects on your lives. Until you feel confident enough in yourselves to resist their takeovers, a break in contact is sometimes your best choice.
 
Research has shown that children with parents who are aware of their own childhood pain are much more likely to feel securely attached to those parents and better able to handle stress. Your realization about your parents’ impact on you will contribute directly to your own children’s psychological welfare.
 
Not sure which of my books you read, but Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents has additional insights and practical tips you could use. As for your recovery as a couple, keep in mind that old generational patterns may rear up when you are stressed or feeling unheard. To be aware and catch them early are huge steps forward. When old family relationship patterns have hurt your bond with each other, apologize and make amends. Practicing nondefensive, intimate communications (see chapter 10 of new book) can help immensely, especially since you are already so aware of your backgrounds. Also, the book, You Are the One You’ve Been Looking For, by Richard Schwartz is an excellent way to chart a new direction in couplehood after absorbing defensive patterns from EI parents. It will help you recognize the relationship defenses that are left over from a threatened childhood and learn how to calm them

     This forum selects interesting questions from readers to answer. If you would like to read additional questions submitted so far, go straight to the comments section. If you would like to ask a question of your own, please submit it by clicking on the comments section and post your inquiry. If selected for the blog, your question will be anonymous and may be paraphrased. Please be aware that these Q&A's are based on the material in my books, and do not constitute psychotherapeutic or medical advice.

Wants to Help Boyfriend

     Dear Dr. Gibson: ​I am currently dating someone who recently discovered your book (ACOEIP) and is working through how these developmental impacts are affecting his life. I am also reading your book and am learning what he’s going through. He exhibits many qualities that are outlined in the text and they have been having some negative impacts on our relationship. I love him dearly and our relationship is so very important to me. I want to support him as he works through these issues and be a good partner to him as he grows. But emotional intimacy is difficult for us and he resists the idea that I can be a supportive partner going forward. Do you have any advice on how to support and love an adult child of emotionally immature parents while still ensuring your own needs are met? I am committed to supporting him, but he has so much doubt that I worry he will push me away. Thank you in advance. -- Wants to Help

     Dear Wants to Help: Your heart’s in the right place, isn’t it? You’re motivated by love and altruism in your hope for helping him. The fact that he is reading and processing things from his past is a major step toward a more satisfying relationship because emotional intimacy is impossible until we gain more familiarity with our own feelings. His growth process is apparently underway, as is yours. Growth and awareness can’t be rushed. If it feels like he is pushing you away, he may be telling you he's reached his intimacy limit for the moment. Trust his process by honoring him right where he is. As Tara Westover, author of Educated, has said, “Love doesn’t mean you can change someone.”

     Try staying in your own personal-growth lane and let him have his. Be careful about seeing yourself in the role of supportive partner. That sometimes means that you could be getting too focused on his problems instead of listening to your own feelings and building a richer life for yourself. It’s tempting to turn into a salesperson for a deeper relationship because it seems like such a good thing, but a successful sale only occurs when the other person wants it as much as you want to sell it.

     When trying to support someone, language is important so keep in mind that the male mind can interpret offers of “support” as code-speak for seeing him as “weak.” You can use more positive language such as “I’m on your side,” “It makes sense to me that you would feel that way,” and “I get it. I think you’re right.” Also, don’t forget that when a person is done talking – especially a male – they have gotten all they can absorb at the moment. Keep it short, give him room, and let him work at his own pace. Good technique for any relationship!