Psychologist and author Lindsay Gibson's blog: free yourself from immature, manipulative people

Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents: New Book Released

5/1/2019

I haven’t posted on this blog for a while, but it has been time well spent. Today is the launch of my new book, Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents. I am very excited by what it has to offer. My lifelong mission has been to help people become conscious of the relational impact of being involved with emotionally immature people (EIPs). I want to help people get free of the unjustified self-doubt and guilt that control them for the EIP’s psychological benefit.

My last book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, struck a nerve and spread through word of mouth. It became an Amazon bestseller and ended up being published in several languages, including Chinese, German, Polish, Spanish, and Russian. The phenomenon of emotional immaturity seems to know no borders. Apparently adult children in other cultures are dealing with these challenging relationships as well.

Along the way, readers took the time to let me know the book had helped them greatly. Often their comments were something along the lines of “You must’ve been in my home when I was growing up.” Although I offered some suggestions in that book for how to deal with emotionally immature (EI) parents, many readers wanted more specifics. While the book had given them a way to understand and talk about these EI relationships, readers wanted to know more about what to do.

In my just-released new book, you’ll see exactly how EI parents - and all EIPs - undermine your self-confidence, your trust in the legitimacy of your inner experiences, and the nature of your very self-concept. For the new book, my psychotherapy clients also shared new stories to illustrate how EIPs take over your emotions and make themselves the center of your concern.

In the new book, I focus on specific, practical advice as well as deeper insights into the more subtle and psychologically harmful dynamics in relationships with all EIPs, not just parents. With any EIP, you will at some point find yourself drawn into feeling guiltily responsible for their self-esteem and emotional stability.

Like the previous book, Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents is not about blaming your parents but about rescuing your potential, your confidence, and your self-concept from emotional takeovers by others. You’ll learn about the roots of emotional coercion and how we give up mental freedom and emotional autonomy in our urgency to mollify EI parents’ emotional insecurities. The book ultimately shows you how to have the kind of relationship with your parents you always wanted; one in which you finally feel free to be yourself around them. The greatest proof of any self-actualization effort is that you stay connected with yourself no matter what someone else tries to make you into.

I hope you will find what you need from this new book. In an upcoming feature on this website, I will be answering a question from a reader every month in the Q&A section. I look forward to our exchange!

16 Comments

Dianne Loerchner

5/19/2019 08:59:01 pm

I am almost finished reading this book and have found it invaluable in understanding who I am. It seemed as if I was reading about myself. It has come into my hands at an opportune time in my life and I'm expecting good things! I recommend it to anyone; I expect there are more emotionally immature parents than emotionally mature parents.

Dr LINDSAY GIBSON

5/20/2019 11:43:53 am

Thanks for your feedback, Dianne. Be sure to let us know if you have some successes you'd like to share!

Jim

6/2/2019 02:34:01 pm

Thank you so so much Dr. Gibson,

I think this second book of yours is so succinct, so clear and so exact. Over 30 years of reading self help books, I have never found such important work written with such care and understanding.

As you show throughout the book, we can become aware of what happened to us as vulnerable and sensitive children. Then, and only then, can the suffering of America be understood. Few people see the connection. You do. And now we do too.

Jane

6/15/2019 03:26:05 pm

Dear ms. Gibson,
I just want to say thank you for writing about this subject. I didn't know where to say this, so I'll just say it here. I have just finished your book titled "Adult Children of EI Parents" and every page just explained my entire childhood to me! It was an amazing and an emotional experience at the same time. I will be eternally thankful to you for having brought to me this information, which has changed my life. So thank you. During the process of opening up to this truth I had written a poem about how it felt like. Thought I might share it as well.

Safe

Luckily I am sitting here
Save and sound where
Their tentacles can't reach me
Here I can be free
Of their doctrine, of their toxins
Here I am safe
Here I can be me
Here I can't misbehave
As there is no harm in
Just being myself

Making myself at home
Not feeling alone
As I accept myself wholly
Where it was missing completely
At what I used to call home
Being alone in your mind is
Worse than physical loneliness
Besides I love myself as I am
And thus
Enjoy my own company.

I wish you all the best and thank you again!

Russell Anderson

9/6/2019 11:04:40 am

I have recently separated from my wife of many years. Over the last three years she has read your book along with The Unavailable Father, The Emotionally Absent Mother and 20 others.

The concern with I have with is that a majority of cluster B mental health disorders are the production of childhood issues which you describe. You totally ignore this and never mention this as a possibility.

What would be the result if someone with BPD where to read your book. I think it would reinforce the externalization of their feelings, to put the blame on others and not take responsibility. This could lead many to not seek a diagnosis and not get the treatment they need.

Lori

12/28/2019 10:41:16 pm

Hi Dr. Gibson,

I am enjoying your book very much. I have a really important question. What if the reader (Me) is the EI parent? It seems they don't exist except when it is someone else. I google it and its article after article and personal story one after another about EI people in your life.
Everyone seems to have some level of emotional immaturity. Why is there nothing out there for the other side of the coin?
I can see my mother in the reading but I can also see myself too. Are people just unlikely to buy a book titled "what to do when your emotionally immature?"
I feel like im working backwards and forwards mentally with your book wrapping my head around what i do and what my mom did.
Can you point me to an article or published work? Counseling is ideal but I have not had great experiences.

Thank you for your time
Lori-

Jessica

12/29/2019 10:11:53 pm

Dear Dr. Gibson,

Since I became a mother 2 years ago, I began to severely question the parenting of my own mother and father, asking myself "How in the world could they have done what they did?" I started going to therapy because of this growing resentment and things got better for me mentally, but my therapist went on a long-term leave in November. Recently, my mother has been obsessed with my son, complaining non-stop about never seeing him and wanting to bring him by himself to grandma's house over an hour away from where we live, which makes me very uncomfortable with his young age. Mid-December, I told her that I felt like I was "chopped liver", and she agreed and told me I was. She clarified and said "All grandparents love their grandkids so much more than how they loved their own kids." I even clarified, and said, "Really, you think of me as 'chopped liver?'" And she said, "Well, yes. Grandparents just love their grandkids so much, ask any grandparent." and in this moment, all the work that I put in to get or feel the love of my parents was washed away. When I was in elementary school, I only felt love with getting good grades. In high school, I played four sports for four years, did NHS, Spanish club, French Club, Letter Club, Chess club, volunteered over 400+ hours, was captain of 2 teams, all in order to feel her praise and love. In college, I had to do the same and do leadership positions non-stop in order to feel loved at all. If I would have gotten one bad grade, I would have been kicked to the curb or emotionally stripped to nothing, so I made sure that never happened. She also had all my email passwords and was in control of all my bank accounts and money although I was paying for my own college. But that moment on the phone brought me right back to all that work I did and how it was all for not. And I cried my eyes out and it dawned on me that something was really, really wrong with my mom to say that to me. I would never ever say that to my son. I was hurt. I did triangulation and told my sister about it and she told me mom. I talked to my husband about it and he told me to talk to my mom calmy, telling her how I was feeling. My mom left me a voicemail, saying sorry and begging me to come home early for Christmas so we can spend more time together - more enmeshment. It was that day that I started looking for books through my library for help and support and I came across your book and it was available on the Overdrive library app as an audiobook and I listened to it and it was like the heavens opened up and made everything make sense for me. I just discovered your Recovery from EI Parents and plan to read that ASAP. I have noticed that how my mom parented me sometimes comes up in my own parenting of my son and it is so alarming to me. My husband has amazing parents, so I ask him for help all the time so I don't say something manipulative or emotionally degrading. An example of a situation that alarmed myself with my own mothering was that my son (23 months) was hitting me and I put him down and moved to a different part of the room and made him say sorry before I would hold him and afterwards, I questioned myself. And when I listened to your book, it was so helpful to hear that I should never remove love from a child!! I need to research more skills and tools for parenting so that I don't mimmic or copy how my mother parented me. I know that is my next step, but it has also been such a relief to know now what exactly happened to me in my childhood, and now, I can trust so much more my own instincts in mothering than thinking about what my own mother would have done. That is huge!! My mom always told me and brags about the fact that I slept through the night at two weeks old and after I had my son, I told her that's impossible unless she just let me cry (which I'm sure she did) and it was crazy to hear you touch on that in your book too. Her needs always came first. Now that I read your book (and books soon enough), I feel like I don't need her approval or opinion anymore. It's such a sigh of relief. My next step, though, is to get more tools and resources for parenting after growing up with a non-example of parenting. Any recommendations for readings, videos, articles and podcasts would be much appreciated! Thank you again Dr. Gibson for your book! You have helped me so so much!!

12/29/2019 10:32:45 pm

Recall that although your mom is the grandparent you don't owe her anything. Especially when you're talking about an infant or a toddler. You're not ever obligated to drop off your baby there just because it's Grandma. I have delt with this and after 9 years i discovered to just let go and say no. And as the child grew I made it her decision and when she declined a visit I stopped pressuring her. My guilt made me think I had to pressure her and then make up excises for her not wanting to visit. But she simply does not want to visit gma. End of story. Gma will either get over it or not. Her feelings are no longer up to you. Protect your kiddo. Do what your comfortable with. And let go of guilty feelings. Thats what ive learned...

Living through it now

1/29/2020 10:04:03 am

This is a helpful analysis - less punitive than the "narc" label, but still effective at identifying what is going on. My parents were both the products of homes in which they were not nurtured; in both cases, they suffered sexual abuse and a degree of neglect.

On one hand, I am so grateful to them, because they tried to be better parents than their parents were, so I had better parents than they did.

On the other, they still expect me to almost parent them, which I don't want to do. They finally are selling the house they can't take care of any longer, but they are living with me ... so it's an adjustment.

Some days, I feel like I'm dealing with overgrown toddlers. Other days, it's great - the question I have is how to deal with the unexpectedness of the changes. The other day, my mom lashed out at me out of the blue - no warning, just "incoming!" - and she kept it up for three days!!!!! In my own house, I have one room - no where to go to give her time to cool off.... I've tried leaving when she does this, but unlike them, I have responsibilities, and this is my home.

At the end of the day, I'm still glad they are here and not hundreds of miles away where I can't get to them if something were to go seriously wrong. Focusing on those positives and trying to find things for my own sanity are the most helpful things I can do.

Those things, and praying. Lots of praying...

Thanks,

Claire

7/17/2020 02:01:36 pm

Loved this book. It's like you've observed my whole life with my mother. It gave me great comfort to know it's not just me. I said YES to nearly everything in it. Apart from the EIP can't tell you how you're physically feeling. Mine did: if she didn't need the toilet then I didn't and couldn't go, if she wasn't cold then I wasn't and she'd take the blanket or jumper off me, if she wasn't hungry then i wasn't and i wasn't allowed to eat. I wish I'd had this book years ago, it would have given such insights to avoid such mental torment for 46 years. Thanks for writing it, it's really helped me a lot.

Erica

10/27/2020 12:11:42 pm

Hi Dr. Gibson,
I just wanted to thank you so much for writing this book, as well as your other book on Emotionally Immature parents. My little sister and I have grown up always feeling so frustrated with the way our parents reacted to our emotions, and we always blamed ourselves. I still haven't finished reading this book, but I'm learning so much through it. I don't think I would have ever learned any of this information if it weren't for your books, and I genuinely thank you so much. Thank you!

Angela Jacques link

10/17/2021 09:20:32 pm

Hi Lindsay,

We would like to feature you as one of our world-leading experts in behavioral science on the online platform - Psychwire ASK - https://psychwire.com/ask/. It's a brilliant opportunity to provide a free resource for emerging mental health professionals while promoting your work.

Your part of the collaboration would entail providing written answers to a minimum of 5 questions in about 6 months’ time. We think our audience would be interested in a topic about your book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. We are open to suggestions if you would prefer to promote a different topic. You are welcome to choose which month you would like to receive your questions.

Our experts include Paul Salkovskis, Marty Antony, Stefan Hofmann, Louise McHugh, David Tolin, Todd Farchione, Stephen Rollnick, Jay Belsky, Terrie Moffitt, Ellen Langer, Alex Piquero, Lance McCracken, Tom Ollendick, Patricia Zurita Ona, Joe Ledoux, Marsha Linehan, Steve Hollon, David Barlow, Robert Sternberg, Sue Johnson, Patricia Resick, and William Miller.

Would you be interested in joining us? I welcome any questions and look forward to hearing from you.

Warm regards,
Angela Jacques PhD
Psychwire.com

Corinne

10/29/2021 11:41:09 am

I’ve been speed reading psychology books for about 40 years, trying to understand my EI mother. This audiobook made me pull over twice to cry. My experience is FINALLY represented. Only child of single mother EI... You even mention the complicated grief of stepping away (I just blocked her calls last week) and have been crying daily because of it. I just bought the paperback so I can work on Part Two — finally building and loving the person I am and daring to expand. Thank you so much 🙏💫❤️

Russell W Anderson

4/24/2022 03:43:24 pm

You never mentioned to your readers they may have suffered a personality disorder.

I was trying to help my wife, Peabody, she left because after reading your book she felt empowered.

Within a year she committed suicide.

Jill link

9/29/2022 08:18:53 am

First, Dr Gibson, I want to say thank you so so much!! Reading how to heal from EI parents has been so affirming, validating and has brought me so much clarity. I’m incredibly grateful. My EI mother’s manipulative grip on me is no longer strong. Her tactics don’t work and she’s is really angry about it. She has been diagnosed with dementia at 75 years old which has made her even more irrational, immature, victimized and angry which I can understand but she lashes out at everyone but specially me and I have learned to set very strict boundaries and she doesn’t like it at all. I would have walked away from her but now with the dementia, I’m her only child and my husband and I finally support her so she can live independently in her condo so there is still some emeshment, which makes matters challenging. We put her on a budget as she is a hoarder and spends money she doesn’t have. It’s tricky with dementia because I can’t always discern what she is congnizant of and when the dementia is controlling her processing. She has become so difficult to talk to and truth be told, she is a burden and so unenjoyable to be around. Thank God she’s 3 hours away. Thank you for listening!! 💕

Trisha

12/28/2022 04:06:26 am

I have no idea what my parents childhood was like at all. But I do know that I have an emotionally immature parent. Non of my story is like the other stories in this book. My mother is 77 and I’m 52. And I’m still in the same house as my mother. And it’s draining me. I’m thankful that you have wrote this book for us. Everything you have said about the children in the first 6 tracks of your book. Is what I’ve felt and been through with my parent. I can’t sleep at night either. I also feel I may be an emotionally immature parent too. And I want to change and become more emotionally mature.

Freeing Yourself:
You don't exist to serve other people's emotional immaturity

Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents: New Book Released

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Lindsay Gibson

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Freeing Yourself:You don't exist to serve other people's emotional immaturity

Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents: New Book Released

Leave a Reply.

Lindsay Gibson

Previous Entries

Categories

Freeing Yourself:
You don't exist to serve other people's emotional immaturity