Dr. Lindsay Gibson
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Freeing Yourself:
You don't exist to serve other people's emotional immaturity

Frustrating Conversations with Parents

10/13/2015

12 Comments

 
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​     One of the hardest things to understand about emotionally immature people is that they think differently from the more mature person. If you assume that your emotionally imamture parent follows the same mental rules of logic or consistency, you will be dumbfounded when they suddenly go off topic, change the subject, or flatly refuse to acknowledge the facts.
     If you encounter such avoidances in a conversation – especially in an emotional conversation – you will feel confused and stopped in your tracks. It won’t make sense. When you try to pin them down, it will feel like squeezing water. It can’t be done.
     If you value the truth and are able to think logically, even when upset, this avoidant type of conversation will be incomprehensible. That is because your mind probably developed to a point where you could think abstractly and keep a train of thought going in order to deal with an unpleasant reality.
However, an emotionally immature person is dominated by emotion and anxiety, even in their style of thought.
     Logic and staying on point will fly out the window as soon as they feel threatened, especially by perceived criticism or efforts at emotional intimacy. Like a child, they will change the subject, walk out, start blaming, or effectively end the conversation with a useless platitude. They simply don’t have the complexity of character to deal directly with anything that emotionally challenges them.
     Watch how this happens, and you will be amazed at how their honesty and clear thinking seems to fall apart if you bring up something they find unpleasant. Once they go into avoidance or blaming, you can bet the conversation is essentially over for the time being. The best thing to do when you see this happening is to note their mental regression, chalk it up to their childlike anxiety, and plan to revisit the topic another time under calmer circumstances.
12 Comments
Diane Donofrio
4/16/2016 11:01:32 pm

What a blessing to have found your website and blog. For the first time in my life, I feel someone understands me and the 'weight' I have been carrying my entire life...

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Lindsay Gibson
4/20/2016 08:41:57 pm

I'm so glad these ideas resonated with you, Diane. Thanks for checking in!

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Marian
7/26/2017 12:04:21 am

This article explains my mother's behavior in detail. We have never been able to talk about anything emotive or point out any kind of her shortcoming without her blowing up and walking out. One of her favorite ways of shutting me out and communicating her displeasure at me bringing up anything she was not ready to hear is to go and sit on staircase or in front of the door, on the floor. She has rolled on the floor and openly wept at the least provocation. She faked a near heart attack to deflect questioning about a very crucial matter a while ago. That was the most overwhelming of her immature responses for me. Thankfully it was the beginning of a search for what was amiss. I bought and read your book a few months ago. It's my life documented in those pages. Every single page. It was overwhelming and I had to stop many times to shed a tear or gather myself. Dr Gibson, your book is the most perceptive of this problem and I am so grateful I came across it. It has changed my life for the better. Thankyou for writing it. I cannot say enough about it .

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Lindsay Gibson link
7/26/2017 11:55:27 am

Hi Marian - I was so deeply moved by your story, and so glad that the book has been useful to you. Thank you for taking the time to write, I know your comments will be helpful to other readers as well. Best wishes, Lindsay Gibson

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Chelsey
1/2/2018 09:27:27 pm

I sincerely always thought that my mother - and now brother - were the only people in the world who responded this way.

As someone who has always valued open, honest, and calm communication to sort things out, I've always been so utterly confused, hurt, and defeated when my mom would storm into her room and slam the door behind her, start blaring music to tune me out, or start belittling me for showing emotions and being upset (calling me a two-year-old and telling me to leave) when I tried to have an emotional conversation. It has always made me feel like I was the problem.

Now that I am away at university and interacting with healthy-minded, mature, and rational people, I fully see how inherently irrational, immature, and inappropriate these responses are. Yet, I continue to struggle with the grieving process of realizing that I will never have the normal relationship with my mom that I've always sought. Hopefully as I continue to develop healthy relationships with emotionally mature people, this will become less difficult as I will have less of that deep loneliness I have always felt. I look forward to more of your work, Dr. Gibson. Thank you.

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Emily
7/16/2018 07:52:36 am

Dr Gibson - THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for your book and blog. As those before me have said it is like reading my life in every page. I am one of the 'fortunate' ones who has somehow managed to make a decent adult life for myself though I still struggle with massive insecurity which affects my closest relationships. I have never really understood how I - the one of 4 siblings who seems to have had the most success in other aspects of life - am also the one who has suffered with anxiety and depression throughout my life. I have wondered why my mother-in-law has such a detrimental impact on my emotional and mental health since coming into my life and I finally realised now I am reading "Adult Children..." it is because I have been plunged into the relationship I had as a child with my own mother. I remember at age 4 counting the number of years until I turned 16 when I believed I would be 'free' and have always described my experience of childhood as one of a frustrated adult in a child's body. I finally have the answers I need to set healthy boundaries and learn to form secure attachments. Thank you so so much - your book is not only your life's dream but mine too and I am eternally grateful to you for writing it.

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Michelle
2/21/2021 04:05:54 pm

I just read the Introduction to your Adult Children of......
I had to put it down. You were talking about ME.
Thank you for writing this book. I look forward to reading everything you have to say.... about my life.

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Laetitia
2/19/2022 05:54:38 am

I can't thank you enough for your books, which were real eye openers and help put a word on what I felt for so many years. This post sums up exactly my latest interaction with my parents, who just didn't make any sense, the only "logic" I saw in it was just to nag me to death (after journaling about it I realize they have nagged me all my life). Their refusal of reality was just appalling. I'm glad I can see it clearly now thanks to you. I feel like I have a really long way to go until I can develop my own sense of being be entirely separate from the identity they have kept me locked in.

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LB
8/27/2022 09:39:31 pm

Thank you so much for putting into words what I've intuited but been unable to name . . . until now. Emotional immaturity can stifle meaningful conversations and a sense of connection with various people throughout our lives, as we unconsciously repeat patterns from childhood.

I knew my dad was a narcissist and that my mom had borderline traits, but never understood why most of my other relationships (with individuals without PDs) were so limited. When I finally began to realize who I was and what I valued and began to speak up and share some of my deeper reflections and concerns, none of my friendships survived.

Now my closest friends are books and the deceased who wrote them, with Simone Weil being my "Soul Friend". Also Daniel Deardorff ("The Other Within"), Søren Kierkegaard ("The Crowd Is Untruth"), Rollo May and Rainer Maria Rilke, among others. I was pleased to hear you can relate.

Even among the emotionally mature, the emotional pull of the crowd and the anonymity it provides can be very seductive. And safe. It's why I rarely share or try to convince anyone of anything anymore.

Thanks again!

Without realizing it, I wonder if Simone Weil was circling around some of these same issues when she wrote the following, which touches on "truth" as being something eternal and infinitely loving, yet always grounded in reality.

“At the very best, a mind enclosed in language is in prison. It is limited to the number of relations which words can make simultaneously present to it; and remains in ignorance of thoughts which involve the combination of a greater number. These thoughts are outside language, they are unformulable, although they are perfectly rigorous and clear and although every one of the relations they involve is capable of precise expression in words. So the mind moves in a closed space of partial truth, which may be larger or smaller, without ever being able so much as to glance at what is outside.” ~ Simone Weil

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Dr LINDSAY GIBSON
8/28/2022 12:15:09 pm

Hello LB,
Thanks for writing and sharing that wonderful quote. Yes, thanks to writing, we can still get so much from like minds whom we will never meet, enriching our lives immeasurably. For instance, I count D.W. Winnicott and Ernest Shackleton among my closest influencers, even though we have occupied different places and times! As you find your truer self through these book connections, I bet some new friendships will be coming your way as well.

All best wishes,
Lindsay Gibson

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LB
8/28/2022 07:07:53 pm

Hi Lindsay,

Thanks for your response and mention of favorite authors. After reading your reply, I did a quick search and found something by D.W. Winnicott that resonated, so I plan on doing more exploring.

Best to you as well,
LB

BAKR ALMAJARABY
12/11/2022 07:43:48 am

Dear Ms. Lindsay,

I hope all is well,
My name is Bakr Al-Majaraby from egypt. I am sending this message in regards to your following books: Adult children of emotionally immature parents, Self-care for adult children of emotionally immature parents, and recovering from emotionally immature parents.

I have an interest in your books and i would really like to translate them into Arabic for all arabic speakers. This of course cannot happen without your consent and approval, so kindly let me know if you are interested to further this project.

You can find my email attached and please feel free to email me at any time, and I'll be eagerly waiting.

Thank you!

Best regards,
Bakr.

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