Dr. Lindsay Gibson
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A Deeper Look:
Insights for Optimal Living

What Sex Means To A Man

7/3/2015

36 Comments

 
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            When men think about sex a lot, we assume it has something to do with testosterone. But men’s urgency about sex is not always about physical desire only. Sex can satisfy multiple needs at several levels for a man, giving him an opportunity to feel closeness, vulnerability, reassurance, and self-transcendence all in one experience.

            What most women don’t understand is that for many men, sex is the deepest level of intimacy. This is not an inferior type of intimacy; it is a male type of intimacy. To him, sex can feel like the most profound, genuine sharing of himself he can imagine. It is not just a robotic release of sexual tension, it is the experience of giving his all in the drive to feel as close as possible to his partner, whether he is in love or not. It is the fulfillment of the most essential human need to connect.

            For the man, sex may replenish his soul, but to the woman, his interest may feel only physical. Because a woman can get those same needs met partly in other ways, it is hard for her to imagine that a man may get that primarily, and sometimes only, from lovemaking. Women naturally create connections in their lives, so they have other sources of emotional fulfillment that men may only attain through their sexual experiences.

            Women think that emotional intimacy is best achieved through talking about feelings and opening up to one another. When their man is not interested in this kind of intimate sharing, women can feel lonely and unheard, lowering their interest in further intimacies. Unfortunately, women who feel emotionally disregarded perceive the man’s sexual pressure not as a need to connect, but as a need to take. Many women feel that if their partners would be more emotionally responsive, they might want to have sex more.

            Although emotional openness is increasing between the sexes, there is still an unspoken limitation on how much emotional openness is acceptable in a man. Women have societal permission to express their emotional needs, but males have been trained to be stoic. Only in the privacy of lovemaking does the man feel free to share himself at all levels with his partner.

            Another thing men get from sex is a rare opportunity to be vulnerable. By its very nature, the sexual experience reassures him that he is safe and accepted. Vulnerability goes back to earliest childhood bonding when it was okay to depend on someone. Because there is so much social emphasis on men being tough and strong, it is easy to overlook how much men need to be vulnerable sometimes, to be released from preoccupations of control and success. For just a little while, a man can surrender in safety, and finally let go of it all.

            Sexual connection for a man can also feel transcendent. Good sexual experiences take people out of themselves, lifting them out of their egos, and expanding them beyond the little workaday self. The experience of transcending the mundane reminds a man there is more to life than his daily routine. Lovemaking softens tough male defenses and moves him into the sublime experience of merger with another person. Men are so pressured to be practical, rational thinkers that sex becomes one of their only ways to rise above the tyranny of what everyone expects of them. They can leave their brains and reconnect to their souls.

            But problems occur when men try to meet emotional and transcendent needs in sex without acknowledging that is what it means to them. Sex can then take on a driven, addictive quality, as unspoken emotional needs are compulsively expressed in action not words. The man is not aware of how truly needy he is, nor in which ways, and so sex becomes never enough, just like any intoxicant that is used to satisfy needs it was never meant to.

            Men have to realize that if they are trying to meet all these needs primarily through sex, their female partners will get burned out. Women typically do not meet their emotional needs primarily through sex, and so sex with an emotionally driven man may feel more like giving than getting. In other words, she correctly senses that he is trying to make a deep emotional connection under the guise of sex, but because he himself is often unaware of this motive, he does not understand why she seems to see sex as tiring. It is not the sex that is tiring, it is the man pretending his needs are only about sex, as well as his reluctance to open up emotionally and communicate in the rest of their relationship.

            The more a man is aware of his strong need for intimate connection, vulnerability, and reassurance, the more he can find additional ways of getting his emotional needs met with his partner outside the bedroom. Through sharing his feelings more with his partner, his emotional needs can be met directly in a way that replenishes the woman too, making her feel closer to him so that sex is an experience to be looked forward to, not avoided.

            Meanwhile, women can have a new appreciation for the meanings sex can have to a man. He needs some understanding too. Sex for him is about a lot more than it looks like.


36 Comments
Dans
10/23/2015 05:41:17 am

Excellent article!

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Bill
7/8/2016 03:26:54 pm

Wow. Very insightful. Both men and women NEED to understand or at least accept the concept described. You have at the very least helped me understand myself abut more. Thank you.

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Bev
7/11/2016 06:16:36 am

I would like to thank you for the insight into the male psyche and for showing me that persevering with a man for whom I feel so much but who after eight months still says 'you never know 'when I ask if we will have sex and why he insists that having sex will change things. .....I am happy to wait now.

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Valerie
8/18/2016 04:22:28 am

Wow, this is an eye/mind opener... thank you Dr Gibson for the insight. It rather makes us women to understand the psyche of a man, especially when it comes to sex, cuz we have always misunderstood (per persopnal opinion) men from that perspective...

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Tom Savage link
5/14/2017 11:57:12 am

I like the blog post. I would like you to have a look at my blog and give me your comments so I can improve that.

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Tim
7/25/2017 08:01:03 pm

This article has to be the most accurate description/explanation of the meaning of sex to males that I've read. It very much resonates with my own experience. It also helps me to understand better why women do not put all their eggs (so to speak) in the sex basket and why dissonance exists sometimes between opposite gender partners involving sex. Thank you for your insights and also for your book, "Who You Are Meant to Be"

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Lindsay Gibson link
7/27/2017 04:36:11 pm

Thank you so much for the feedback, Tim. I appreciate it so much, and am glad these written pieces held something meaningful for you. Lindsay Gibson

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Gabriella
8/16/2017 11:31:04 pm

I'm currently in a new relationship with my boyfriend. And he is different to the men I have dated. I would tell him, I need an emotional connection constantly and his response baffled me. He said he feels sex is his form of being closest and most intimate and doesn't understand why I don't feel the same. But now this article has literally saved me and I finally understand where he is coming from. I've been searching the net trying to understand him and after reading this, I am closer to understanding him now. Thank you Lindsay.

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Lindsay Gibson link
8/17/2017 06:42:42 pm

So glad that was helpful, Gabriella! Thanks for the feedback!

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HamburgCity
8/22/2017 07:04:04 pm

I don't quite see the the connection between sex and vulnerability for men. If anything, it's just another power play? I don't understand how the mechanical act of sex can ever truly be about connecting, the way you connect with a close friend over a heart felt chat.
I admit I still feel like all my ex wanted from me was sex, even if he reassured me many times that he loved me deeply.
I once even tried not sharing anything about myself for some time, just to see if he would notice. He didn't, as long as he could still sleep with me everything was great for him. How is that really "connecting"? What "emotional need" is he getting from me when all he needs is my body to get it? Then, anybody could be lying there under him, no need for me to be there. Maybe some men reading this can explain to me. I really want to learn because these thoughts have left me heart-broken and miserable.
Sincerly, confused

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Inez
12/10/2017 01:12:01 pm

Hamburg City, remember that your husband doesn't understand your emotional needs just as you don't understand his sexual needs. Re-read this article and you will see that it says men feel that closeness whether they are in love or not. Sex provides that moment of ecstasy where they feel like they have escaped from the worries of the world. Yes, he can get that feeling from any woman, but he chose you. Likewise, any man can provide a sexual release for you, but you chose him. Your husband loves you, but he needs you to help him learn how to be emotional enough for you outside the bedroom. Men are not emotional beings by nature. When you need him to be vulnerable or emotional outside of sex, touch him, ask him to lay his head on your lap, then sweetly tell him what you need. Men respond to touch. Or talk to him after an orgasm. If you do this, he will think you are a goddess who understands him in a way no other woman ever has. Good luck!

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Anne
1/21/2018 10:19:39 pm

I wish someone would have responded to you, HamburgCity. I hear what you are saying and don't blame you for feeling what you feel. Especially when you purposely didn't talk about yourself for some time and he still didn't care, as long as he had your body. I think some men are just "bad" that way, but not all of them, of course. I did learn from the article, and it's interesting that men are the way they are -- so different from most women. Yet, that doesn't mean they can all be let off the hook when they don't want to truly care about us.

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Lara
2/7/2019 08:04:36 am

Lol did you not read the article?

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Diane
2/4/2021 04:30:46 pm

HanburgCity, I hear you. Some of the explanation is a cop out and even if it is true, men have a responsibility to get in tune with their feelings and action. Most men aren't even able to explain what they feel. Many are lazy as far as doing emotional work. I agree that we both have to compromise and understand our differences, but where is the fact of a sexual encounter that a woman is not interested in, and a man wants to go foward anyway and he's just pouncing and she's getting nothing? I don't care how they are built, its a copout for accepting some of it is emotionally and physically abusive. Men want, and even claim to need sex regularly for whatever all reasons, so why are so many incapable of giving women the type of emotional support or engagement they need? Men get sex for years and never change and never grow. Women must insist on men rising up and becoming more emotionally euqipped and educated. It's not enough to say "oh, we are made like this" which is mostly more B.S. Men have been around long enough, heard our requests, seen TV, Movies, read books etc. Open your mouths!

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Chris
11/15/2017 03:40:42 am

This is sad for me - I kept telling my ex about this and she didn't understand. If I asked her to have sex and she refused it was the same as saying to her that I didn't want to listen to her feelings. I am not in a relationship. I masturbate regularly but recently I have been wondering why I do that - what is it all about? Part of it is about trying to recreate the moment of closeness which I felt at orgasm with my ex. Part of it is because I'm lonely and miss all of that (after 17 years!). I searched for "sex means more to men than women" and found this article. It is absolutely spot on. Yes, sex is fancying your partner, it is releasing tension but was also, for me at least,
a wonderful feeling of closeness. It is what the Hollies were singing about - "All I need is the Air that I breathe and to love you" THAT is the feeling for me. Unfortunately, it can also make you fall asleep because it is so nice. Which women don't like very much, so guys are back in the doghouse. Excellent, clarifying article. Thanks!

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Inez
12/10/2017 12:41:57 pm

Wow! For my entire adult life (I'm a 53-year-old female), I have just written men off as sex-crazed maniacs that I will go to my grave never understanding. Thanks to this article, I am enlightened and I understand them now! Thank you! I'll bet that most men don't understand their intense craving for sex. The women of the generation before me didn't understand so they could never help me. All women should read this article and all men should kneel at your feet for writing it. This will make my life and relationships with men much easier now. Bless you!

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T
9/12/2020 07:26:18 pm

I think men have a responsibility for their own emotional health and should not put the burden on a woman to keep them fixed and emotionally satisfied. They should find other healthy ways to connect and feel emotionally whole outside of sex. They can't expect a woman to fill the voids in their soul. It's impossible,

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Melinda
2/17/2018 06:46:56 am

So is it all lost if one can't have "sex" with ones love interest.How do one bond with a man without sex? :(

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Mi
5/1/2018 01:23:43 am

Absolutely brilliant !!

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Herbert Beranek
7/12/2018 05:26:32 am

Hello,

This was for me eyes opening article, I used sex exatly for this purpose - to meet emotional and transcendent needs - but unconsciously. Only after I found my True Self, I have understand this.

Thank you ! Very briliant !

Herbert

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purplefire5
8/20/2018 11:17:36 pm

This is enlightening but I also feel a greater sense of confusion now. I was told men can compartmentalize and that they can have emotionless sex, when I think about sex (i've never actually been intimate with anyone yet) I totally understand sex being an outlet for the physical urge trust me lol. However I could never be that close and quite literally "naked" with someone and not have some emotion also come through. So when I heard men can turn off emotions and have sex just for the sake of physical gratification and not feel any attachment or connection with the girl afterwards I feel like they're so cold to be able to do that (I know this isn't the case and that men and women are just wired differently). BUT now this article is saying sex it's extremely emotional and intimate for men...i'm confused, if it's something sacred for them then why can some men have sex and see it purely as a physical outlet???

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iced-coffee
9/7/2018 08:48:55 pm

As a woman who used to believe that as well, I can understand where you’re coming from. What you’ve been told about men and sex is only true for a subgroup of men: pickup artists, emotionally unavailable guys, and sociopaths. Unfortunately these subgroups make a lot of noise and hog all the attention, so they drown out the vast majority of healthy loving men in relationships who are quietly off having passionate sex with their committed life partners, or healthy loving unpartnered men who dream of such relationships as their ideal. Emotionally healthy people are a lot less needy than emotionally unwell ones and thus tend not to make such a racket.

From my own experience of dating an emotionally healthy man, I’ve been forced to rethink the stereotype. The description on this page and the man writing in for advice in the following link are both more accurate for healthy, non PUA, non psychopath men: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/how-friends-with-benefits-can-backfire-on-men/

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Herbert
9/17/2018 02:38:57 pm

Hi, I agree with your comment. But I am not sure if it is true, that "healthy loving men" is the "vast majority" - the biggest subgroup of men. Are there any statistical numbers ? My belief is quite opposite. My opinion is, that vast majority of men and women have trouble with emotional intimacy after the romantic love ends. Greetings Herbert

Mik
10/11/2018 06:40:11 am

Lol men think having sex makes them vulnerable. Who are they trying to fool with this charade? Suuuure. As soon as you use your penis on a woman you are suddenly totally emotional and full of feelings. Nonsense. That's just another lie to use women.

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Sunshine25
12/3/2018 10:43:21 am

Ladies, just figure out what YOU want first from a man, and then once you're getting your needs met, you'll naturally feel like meeting his sexual needs, as well. But you have to put your needs first. If there is a certain level of emotional connection and sharing of feelings that you want from a man, then find a man who can supply you that. But if sex is not your own number 1 need, and yet you give him sex before getting your own first priority needs met, then you are in for disappointment. My suggestion would be to make a list of the qualities you desire in a man, and then focus on dating only those men who meet your priority needs. For me, that's cuddliness, wittiness, and financial responsibility. For others, it may be needing a good listener or a man who is good with kids, etc. It's your life, you get to decide what you need. Once your needs are met, then you can focus on meeting your man's needs, i.e. sex. But don't just have sex with a guy on the third date or something because that's what people do- decide what YOU need first. In a relationship, we are equal partners- each person should be equally happy that they are getting their needs met.

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Diane
2/4/2021 04:42:30 pm

Absolutely great advice Sunshine25! I can see where I started my relationship off with my husband of a sexual nature, and then life and menopause kicked in and my hormones are so different. It has been a work in progress for my husband to understand that and he's still not there. He has been brainwashed about his entitlement to sex. He's working on it but its not easy. People need to stop brainwashing boys about sex entitlement, disrespect of women, and start teaching them about selflessness, women's body changes, and how they can't get all the sex they want. Most men (and some women) don't even understand how pregnancy and menopause changes a woman's hormones, and how those hormones affect her sexual desire; hence all the anger and frustration about her not allowing them to do to her body what they want when she is not even in the mood. Why would a person even want to enter a woman who is not in the mood? There are millions of men like that. Sex has such a control over them that they are just selfish.

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joy link
1/6/2019 06:10:45 pm

This is a really good article. I was wondering why men tends to want only sex from women. I wish this could be translated in Spanish so my male friend can feel less guilty about men wanting to have frequent sex. lol.

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Benjamin
3/10/2019 01:03:23 pm

The worst thing you can do is cheat on a man. Even looking at other guys sexually can be heartbreaking. In faith to this article ignoring the concept of logic regarding the sexes, it really doesn’t mean anything when a guy looks at another woman, they are just getting their mental rocks off and wouldn’t cheat on you. You’re still their favorite. A man being honest with himself has a lot more to give than a man that’s pretending.

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Sara
5/22/2020 09:38:15 am

So, just came across this.......Hmmmm......how is that fair though? Most women I know aren't big fans of their men checking out other women and can be just as heartbroken over it. Some of us only have eyes for our beloved and aren't even attracted to other men that way and want the same in return.

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Rivers
7/8/2019 05:28:11 am

I think this article hit home on many levels but two things I will have to disagree on the strongest of terms.
First is that the pressure of maintaining control of one's emotions and appearance of confidence is not a mere social pressure built by social expectations. Women are turned on by a man's assertiveness and confidence on a biological level and this applies in every culture we now have regardless of acceptable level of emotionality in a man. Men are not defective women who can't express their emotions "correctly". Second is that men becoming needy in a relationship is a result of repeated sexual rejections, it is nearly impossible for most men to not feel rejected as a person when sexual advances are rejected, he is not in for a physical release but that very emotional connection, majority of men do not have over ten sexual partners and as such view sex as Much more important and emotional, not as a mere physical act which is the result of promiscuity where ones brains become rewired to disconnect emotions from the sexual act.

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M
11/17/2019 04:22:18 am

Great article. My partner often tells me he loves me during sex and feels warm and happy after for days, he feels loved and cherished , but also very lucky, it's sharing and being vulnerable, sadly women are too cynical about men.... Making love is exactly that,being vunerable, showing your true selfs, giving, loving, sharing and being Intimate... Making love is a privilege both sides.....

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Andy link
8/14/2020 03:20:26 pm

Absolutely correct. The thought of the writer is too good. Thanks.

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Jayd
11/7/2020 07:50:17 am

Very important, insightful information. I wish I could access more of such eye openers

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Jasmyne Teoma link
1/3/2021 11:25:05 am

Wow so insightful. Thank you!

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Mermaid
3/29/2021 07:13:45 pm

What an insightful article. Always looking for ways to strengthen the bond to my Guy and work toward mutual understanding and joy.

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Holly
4/27/2021 12:20:08 am

So in other words, men CAN'T have emotionless sex as some would like to claim they can. The ones who say they can, according to this article, are the ones who who haven't acknowledged the emotional and transcendent needs which they are trying to meet through sex. In other words, both men and women alike inevitably bond with the people they have sex with - "emotionally and transcendently", as the author of this article says. Something to consider next time the opportunity for "casual sex" comes up.

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    Lindsay Gibson, Psy.D.

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